A Light in the Darkness

Oh Lord I was lost, but now I'm found. Thank you.

For so long, I've been living life. Going through the motions, worshipping God, making decisions that are pleasing to Him, dodging temptation. For so long, I thought I was on the right path. I'm not. I'm so far from it. I wandered astray, lost in the dark, but tonight I was found.
Sure I was living a good, religious life.
But for what?

Self fulfillment.
To prove myself to others.
To have a purpose.
To play guitar.
And a lot more stupid selfish reasons.

I was just speaking the words, just listening with my ears, when I should have been speaking and listening with my heart. I was doing all the right stuff, but for the wrong reasons. I wanted to build myself up, when I should have been focusing on raising God up. So crazy.

These past weeks have made me think alot, about God, religion, worship, etc. Mainly tonight, and two Sundays ago.

When I was playing for Surge two weeks ago, Shawn asked me to play the solo on From the Inside Out. At the time I was completely stoked, I had self confidence and I knew I could do it. I went home and practiced, listening to the song over and over until I got it down nearly perfect. It was my first solo ever, and if you know my guitar playing skill, I'm terrible with a pick. I just barely started using one about 6 or so months ago. When I got to church on Sunday, my fingers wouldn't obey me, and I was as nervous as ever. Plus, someone made some comments that just made something snap inside of me... and I felt incompetent, horrible, inept, like I was dragging everyone down. I was literally on the verge of tears as I begged Shawn to let me bail out and not play the solo.
There was a few minutes until church started, and I sat on the couches, avoiding everyone, when Emily came over to me and started asking me what was wrong.
She started out saying that I would do great, and I'm one of the best guitarists at the church, then moved a little deeper. She said, I shouldn't care about what others thought about me, all that didn't matter. What matters, is what God thinks about you, and what's in your heart. Not perfection in your fingers. We're all imperfect people. She also brought up something Shawn had told all of us a while back. We can't make the people worship, our music is simply the doorway that we create for others to find God. I started bawling. The realization hit me so strong that I couldn't handle it. I had been so lost, I forgot what worship really meant. It had been dulled into a mere word consisting of seven letters. Something meaningless. It hurt, and I couldn't stop crying. Emily gave me a hug, and so did Earl the sound guy. I don't think anyone knew the real reason I was crying... God did though.
So I went on stage, and through my tears I said a quick prayer, and did the solo almost perfectly. It was all for God.

Tonight was pretty intense also. I was planning on skipping the Deeper service at church and just chilling with Martin, but now that I went, I can't even imagine not going. It was simply amazing, and I've never experienced anything like it before. It started with a few songs that Ben played acoustically, and the crowd sang, falling into the pattern of singing meaningless lyrics, and I admit, I did the same.
But when we crowded around the table in the corner of the room, listening to Baylor, writing our sins on a cloth, putting them in the container of water, watching it turn red, something changed. A level of seriousness and understanding was taken on in the crowd. He added bleach once all the 'sins' were taken out, and everyone watched as all the horrible things we had done were washed away. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a kid with his head in his hands, sobbing.
It was beautiful, in a morose sort of way.
Before my eyes, he was being forgiven... all the horrible things he had done, were being washed away by the most amazing being ever, Jesus. I was overwhelmed with an understanding.
Ben played a few more songs, this time, people were engaged in worship, with their hearts, souls, and minds. All around me people cried, head in hands, all for different reasons, but being united with God. The room was filled with a presence, and I began to cry. Eventually I hardly noticed the tears as they trickled down my face. Remembering all the horrible things I've done in my life, how imperfect and unworthy I was of this wonderful life. In a way, I was humbled.
I realized how lost I was, how trapped I was in my own sin... and that God is the only way any of us will find true peace, and happiness on this Earth and in all the heavens.
You and me, we've recieved the greatest gift of all. The gift of eternal life. If Jesus had never died on the cross that day, if he had caved into the devil's taunts just once, we would all be doomed to burn in Hell forever. The most unpleasant place. One of suffering and pain. Think about it, forever is a long time. It goes on and on and on... beyond human comprehension.
But we're not doomed to that, we're given the chance to live in happiness, love, peace, all those things us humans search blindly for within this lifetime. Always searching and trying to obtain them ourselves, when the only true way to get those things, is to surrender. And by surrendering yourself to Christ, you're set free from all those sins. All that guilt. All that blindness. Everything.

I shared this because I want to share the joy and comfort I feel from being at church and offering my life. Please think about this. Thank you for listening.
:)