A picture's worth a thousand words.

So a few months ago I found a huge file of random old family pictures on my computer, and I always kept it in mind because I love looking at pictures. Today I decided to look at them, and... theres something about them that made me want to blog, so here it goes.


I love this... I'm not sure who the people are, or even how they're related to me, but I love how this makes life look so simple... and also those little girls dresses. More girls should wear dresses again, its kind of nice in an old fashioned sort of way.



I actually know who these people are, I think they're my great grandparents. You might ask why I'm putting this picture up. My answer to that would be "I love how my great grandpa looks like he's the luckiest man alive, even though they're both clearly about 90 years old and wrinkly."
This kind of reminds me of earlier today when me and Grant were talking about our dream lovers. I would definitely add that to the list of awesome attributes: someone who will love me forever, no matter how unattractive I grow to be. I want to grow old with someone, with undying love... it might falter, but I hope I can marry someone who will supply that endless happiness. Thats why I admire old couples.



I just put this up because I thought it was hilarious that people actually used to pose like that. Dressed in a stuffy, important-looking suit... with a pipe sticking from his mouth. Silly man. Also the jaguar leaping onto his butt kinda made me laugh too.



I don't know why I liked this one so much. The crazy girl in minishorts chasing after the baby is my mom. Haha. I guess it reminded me of Juno in a way. My mom is like "RAWR" and plus I like the way her hair looks, I should bring that back in style... No seriously, I think I will.



So this one isn't too old... Its just of me coming home on the first day of Kindergarten. It trips me out that I can't remember that... it was only nine years ago, which isn't so long. It frightens me how fast time passes sometimes. All these memories are recorded from pictures, but no longer exist in my mind...



Hmm... this is the reason I love old pictures... in almost every single professional one, the person in it is beautiful. The little girl's face is almost like a porcelain doll.



Haha this is another one of my mom. Shes the one falling into the pool. This picture made me wonder who she used to be... what my mom is really like.


Anyway, so thats the last of the pictures I'm gonna share.
I was talking to Alyse about old pictures yesterday, and I think I discovered why I like looking at them so much.
Its true, pictures are worth a thousand words... correction: They're worth every memory, every thought, every experience. Theres only so much you can read with your eyes. Theres so much more to a picture than just the expression on the persons face, the pose they're in, the scenery behind them. Every picture tells a story, and I find myself wondering what the characters were like. What they thought, how people saw them, their personality...

Anyway, its late, I gotta sleep. Night everyone. sleep tight.

End Credits: Epic Fail.

Hm... lets see... what to write.
Over the past hour or so... a strange pain has been echoing through my heart, and I seem to be helpless to stop it. So I'm here, doing the only thing I know how, blog. I desperately want to talk to someone, to pour my heart out to them... actually one person in particular, but once again thats something I can't control. Besides, control is subjective anyway.

For a while, I forgot what it was like to enjoy life, knowing that something wonderful was lying in the close future. I'm not saying that I simply have nothing whatsoever to look forward to, just that it seems indistinct and hidden at the moment. I know that something lurks in the future... hopefully that something is good. For a few days, I remembered what it was like to know that at the end of the day, happiness awaited me. Theres some amount of comfort in reassurance. The future, the unknown, is something humans seem to fear. Although it can make life interesting... sometimes I wish the future was as predictable as the ending of movies.
Speaking of movies... too bad life isn't like them. At the end, just before the credits roll, everything falls into place, and the problems are replaced with new opportunities for the characters. True love is found. Friendships mended. The mysteries of life suddenly less mysterious. Then... the screen goes black, and those typed names scroll down the screen. Its that simple. Right when everything is perfect, it ends. Forevermore, there are no issues, those two hours are frozen, and until your dvd player breaks or your little brother steps on the cd, you can relive it as many times as you like. Unfortunately life isn't like a movie. Time goes on, leaving those perfect moments behind, and leaving you breathless. There are no credits with quirky music in the backround, no definite ending.
Sometimes memories can be like movies though. Some memories are so strong, they are forever imprinted in your mind to live over and over again. But there comes a time, when you have to stop living in the past, and welcome the future with open arms.
Too bad I'm not ready for that.
I thought I was...
But I crashed and burned.
Now as I type this, I feel broken. Hopefully time will tape this throbbing heart back together, and I'll tentatively stretch my arms out, embracing the future with an uncertain courage. Maybe then, I will move on.


But maybe not.

Dangerous Mother? nah.

So... if this thing has a time/date when posted thing, you'll see that its ridiculously early (for me) so excuse the possible spelling mistakes/incomplete thoughts. Last night/this morning... I came upon a really weird observation that has to do with my brother.

Okay, last night as I was going to bed I started watching the Notebook on my ipod (hence the tiredness) when I saw a light out in the hallway. Considering I was supposed to be asleep and not watching good quality American movies on my Ipod, I turned it off and slipped it under my pillow. When my door opened, I fully expected it to be my mom, the only person paranoid enough to wake up at 2 in the morning to make sure I'm not randomly smoking pot under some bridge in the middle of Alpine. If you ask me, sneaking out or anything under that category, whether its drugs or not, is completely lame. So I don't understand while she still questions my morals. Anyway, when the door opened, it was my little brother.
A few things you should know about my brother, he's pretty mature in thought for his age, but is pretty immature when it comes to scary movies and stuff. He can be really sensitive and cried during a walk to remember and little miss sunshine... possibly across the universe too. With all these slightly strange attributes for a 11 year old boy, he sleepwalks.
Over the years I had become used to it. Ever since he was about six or so he had sleptwalked, and myself, owning the room next to him was usually responsible for putting him back to bed. Usually he just babbles on about some purple wolf hiding beneath the windowsill in his room, and I, proceed to tease him and ask him really odd questions for a few minutes, just so I can tell him a semi-hilarious story in the morning when he doesn't remember anything. Most of the time, he would climb back into bed and fall asleep within seconds.
So, last night, he was walking around and our conversation went pretty much like this.
"Hey, Cole, what are you doing?"
"I... I.... Why can't I remember?"
"You can remember in the morning, go to sleep."
"But... why can't I remember?"
"You're tired, go sleep."
"I think... it had something to do with.... I think.... a tree."
"Oh really.... what was IN the tree?"
"What the heck Cosette, you're so weird... nothing was in the tree."
"Are you sure? Not even a monkey or something?" (I was tired okay?)
"No, nothing was in the tree. You don't think I know what I'm doing but I do."
(Some explanation for this: a year or so ago, his subconscious mind got used to the fact that every time he did something ridiculous in his sleep, we would tell him he's sleepwalking. So whenever I say something remotely taunting he always says hes awake and knows what he's doing... which he doesn't)
"Okay... well go to sleep."
"But there was something else."
"You'll remember in the morning."
"No."
"Go to sleep."

Then he actually listened to me. I returned to my room and started watching the Notebook again. Right when I started crying, I saw the light in the hall illuminate my room again. Sighing, I put my Ipod back under my pillow and went to investigate. Cole was still standing in the hallway with his arms folded.
"Cole go back to bed."
"But.... but... its scary." He pointed at our 1000 dollar vacuum cleaner.
"The vacuum?" I laughed.
"No."
"Go to sleep theres nothing there."
"Yes there is. I don't want to. I'm scared. Its scary."
There was something in his voice that was alarmed, and I could tell he was sincerely freaked out by this imaginary monster, or whatever it was. I gave him a big hug, and told him that if he went to sleep all the bad things would go away. It was only then that I could tell he was shaking. His whole body was shaking uncontrollably and he started crying. It scared me, to be honest. I've heard about those certain nightmares that sleepwalkers occassionally have, night terrors I think they're called, when one can't move because they're so tortured by their dreams...
I didn't know what to do, so I told him to get mom or dad.
"They'll think I'm crazy."
"No they won't, mom and dad would never think you're crazy. They understand."
"No they will."
.... and so on. I felt bad for him. I kept giving him hugs so he would stop shaking from fear momentarily. He refused to go upstairs, so I sent him to bed.
For a while I just held his hand and sat on his bed, trying to comfort him to the point where he could fall asleep. I kept telling him that I would be there for him right next door if he ever needed anything, and he would be safe, that I wouldn't let anything happen to him. Finally he went to sleep.

I went back in my room to finish watching the Notebook, but I kept watching for the light to turn on again. I was worried about him and I couldn't focus on the storyline. So I turned off my Ipod, and laid thinking in the dark of my room.

This morning, when I woke up about an hour ago to go feed Emma's dog cheese...(eeyah, long story) I was in the bathroom, brushing my hair so I didn't look completely terrifying if anyone saw me, when my brother walked in and gave me a huge hug. He only said two words, "Thank you."
I was surprised he remembered anything at all, but it made me smile. In a way I was glad he remembered though. I'm glad he could see I cared about him, even though I don't show it a lot of the time.

In a way, I love my brother like a mother loves her own child, although I'm sure its different. Giving birth to someone creates some strong ties. But, my point is, I worry about him, and I want to keep him safe. I want him to have a wonderful life and never get hurt. Sometimes, I find myself being overprotective for him, and I realize a fraction of what my mom goes through. When you love someone, its hard to let them go. It scares me to see Cole grow up and lose his innocent, kind nature. I really fear for him going into middle school. I don't want him to be taunted by all those stupid kids that haven't a clue about life and its value. It kind of reminds me of the movie Little Miss Sunshine, when Dwane tries to stop his little sister Olive from entering the talent show because he's afraid that she'll get hurt by the way those creepy model chicks will judge her. I love that movie. I can actually relate to the characters...

So anyway.. that was my blog for today, I'm off to sleep again. I love you all.
-Cosette.

Memories: still in progress.

Okay, this is going to be a short blog because, for one, I'm doing really well at writing today (reference my 6/6 on myaccess essay), and I'm using this blog as my temporary journal until I can scrounge(is that a word?) up enough money to buy one.

Today, I hung out with Grant, which was possibly one of the most amazing things I've done in a while. The other day I was reading Alyse's blog, and realized how much I missed Grant... A little part of my heart felt as if it was missing, and I had never noticed it before. I started thinking about all our epic adventures, like when we almost set his house on fire with just a spray can of axe and a lighter, or when we rode to the Peppermint Place in the rain to buy a ton of gummy worms so we could effectively enjoy I Am Legend, but never ended up doing it because of general conference... My life is so boring, and I've just noticed that I do practically the same thing every day, and even when my schedule varies from the norm, I still do the same things, in the same places, at the same times. The only time I actually have memory making experiences is with my friends. I never realized how much I miss hanging out with people and just chilling. Most of the time I sit around doing homework, talking to the occasional person on facebook, eating various tv dinners, and sleeping. I've become a stereotypical college student.
Over the past few months, aka when I was dating Brady, I thought he was all I needed in life, and slowly, I began to lose my friends, one by one. The worst part is that I didn't even notice. I grew apart from all these amazing people who I saw as 'extras'. Really the only people I stayed friends with were Alyse, Xandra, and church people. Now, I'm just barely rediscovering all the fun I had when I didn't depend so much on love to fuel my happiness. In a way, this is a good experience for me, as is everything. You can't live without learning from your mistakes... if you never learned, you would probably be dead by the age of two.
So... anyhow, back to hanging out with Grant. It was nice. We laughed about stupid stuff and I decided that I like being able to be my complete self around him... When we had nothing to say, we just sat, and thought. It wasn't awkward, just... nice. Like Nicholas Sparks likes to comment in all of his books, inexperienced people think they have to fill the silence with meaningless words, but smart people know that theres something beautiful about the quiet sounds of life.

From this point on, I'm going to try to make my life memorable, although I know life changing experiences don't come around often. I'm deciding to find myself, do something with my life, start earning money to prepare for the future, and work hard to keep the relationships I have.

Well I'm off, who knows if I'll sleep tonight due to the insane amount of caffine Grant and I had earlier from the Ruby Red Squirts :]

Night. Love you all.

The Hope Vacuum.

Hey there again! I hope you noticed the change in my blog background... it was getting a bit repetive and dull, so I found the coolest picture of sliced fruit and set it as the background. Pretty sweet. Unless lemons and limes aren't fruit... hmm... Also, notice the change in title, Unrequited Love didn't seem to fit anymore, and I'll explain that later. All I Have To Do is Dream is one of the most amazing songs ever created. Its by the Everly Brothers. Look it up.
So anyway, I haven't blogged in a while and I feel this strange obligation to do so. I might just ramble on and on, or I might get to a point. You'll just have to read and see. I'm exhausted and about to fall asleep on top of my keyboard, so bear with me if the words get jumbled into something like.ah;udgpihyesiufaijdg;ldskf;dsaj. Not to mention the grammatical errors.

Ah, where to begin... theres so much to write about today.

So, first of all, I discovered something peculiar about myself. I was sitting in the car thinking, and I realized that I react to harsh comments and/or cruelty (thats not the right word...) in an uncommon way. If someone says something negative about me, or if someone hurts me, I don't want revenge, I don't feel it right to punish them in the same way they punished me. I simply strive to do better, and prove them wrong. For instance, if someone comments on how I swear a ton (which is completely untrue) I try my best to prove to them that their image of me is seriously tweaked. True story believe it or not. Also, I get some sort of strange motivation from negative comments about me. I seem to move toward my invisible goal when it actually exists... if that makes sense.

I've been in a really good mood lately, mostly because of the conversation between Brady and I on Tuesday. For the longest time I've wanted to just talk to him about everything, and sort this out, everything between us seems kind of unfinished. I never wanted to grow apart from him, and become just another forgotten, distant chapter in his life, but it happened nonetheless. It had been almost two months since we'd had an actual conversation that consisted of more than "Hey how are you?" "Good. You?" "I'm okay." "oh."
Basically he told me something along the lines of, he still likes me, despite everything and wants to be friends. Plus an apology. And it was one heck of an apology let me tell you that. It nearly made me melt with that warm fuzzy happiness... but that wasn't the end of the conversation.
There was one more thing he needed to tell me. It was simple, and I didn't think anything of it at first. He wasn't going to come to South Mountain Church anymore. Then, as I sat, embraced with the bubbly happiness a horrible realization hit me. Any hope that I had felt when he told me about his feelings, drained away as quickly as it had come, leaving me empty and pained inside. My heart felt as if some man comparable in strength to Chuck Norris has grabbed it and squeezed it like a stress ball.
The only time I ever saw Brady was at church. If he didn't come to church, nothing could work, not even in the future. Before, the thought that maybe everything would work out when I was in high school, and Brady had a car, kept me trudging forward on the pathway of life, but now... it seems like I've lost all hope for the future. Of course that's being a tad bit dramatic, but it still hurts... alot.

Love sucks.

Well, I would write more, but I'm about to pass out, and I'm afraid that if I continued writing, my words would completely pass possible human comprehension and confuse the living crap out of people.
Goodnight. I love you all.