The Hope Vacuum.

Hey there again! I hope you noticed the change in my blog background... it was getting a bit repetive and dull, so I found the coolest picture of sliced fruit and set it as the background. Pretty sweet. Unless lemons and limes aren't fruit... hmm... Also, notice the change in title, Unrequited Love didn't seem to fit anymore, and I'll explain that later. All I Have To Do is Dream is one of the most amazing songs ever created. Its by the Everly Brothers. Look it up.
So anyway, I haven't blogged in a while and I feel this strange obligation to do so. I might just ramble on and on, or I might get to a point. You'll just have to read and see. I'm exhausted and about to fall asleep on top of my keyboard, so bear with me if the words get jumbled into something like.ah;udgpihyesiufaijdg;ldskf;dsaj. Not to mention the grammatical errors.

Ah, where to begin... theres so much to write about today.

So, first of all, I discovered something peculiar about myself. I was sitting in the car thinking, and I realized that I react to harsh comments and/or cruelty (thats not the right word...) in an uncommon way. If someone says something negative about me, or if someone hurts me, I don't want revenge, I don't feel it right to punish them in the same way they punished me. I simply strive to do better, and prove them wrong. For instance, if someone comments on how I swear a ton (which is completely untrue) I try my best to prove to them that their image of me is seriously tweaked. True story believe it or not. Also, I get some sort of strange motivation from negative comments about me. I seem to move toward my invisible goal when it actually exists... if that makes sense.

I've been in a really good mood lately, mostly because of the conversation between Brady and I on Tuesday. For the longest time I've wanted to just talk to him about everything, and sort this out, everything between us seems kind of unfinished. I never wanted to grow apart from him, and become just another forgotten, distant chapter in his life, but it happened nonetheless. It had been almost two months since we'd had an actual conversation that consisted of more than "Hey how are you?" "Good. You?" "I'm okay." "oh."
Basically he told me something along the lines of, he still likes me, despite everything and wants to be friends. Plus an apology. And it was one heck of an apology let me tell you that. It nearly made me melt with that warm fuzzy happiness... but that wasn't the end of the conversation.
There was one more thing he needed to tell me. It was simple, and I didn't think anything of it at first. He wasn't going to come to South Mountain Church anymore. Then, as I sat, embraced with the bubbly happiness a horrible realization hit me. Any hope that I had felt when he told me about his feelings, drained away as quickly as it had come, leaving me empty and pained inside. My heart felt as if some man comparable in strength to Chuck Norris has grabbed it and squeezed it like a stress ball.
The only time I ever saw Brady was at church. If he didn't come to church, nothing could work, not even in the future. Before, the thought that maybe everything would work out when I was in high school, and Brady had a car, kept me trudging forward on the pathway of life, but now... it seems like I've lost all hope for the future. Of course that's being a tad bit dramatic, but it still hurts... alot.

Love sucks.

Well, I would write more, but I'm about to pass out, and I'm afraid that if I continued writing, my words would completely pass possible human comprehension and confuse the living crap out of people.
Goodnight. I love you all.