Alyse said my brilliance needed to be heard, so here it is, in the seemingly insignificant form of an internet blog. It kinda started when I finished reading the Notebook by Nicholas Sparks. That man is a genius, no joke. A lot of geniuses are underestimated these days, not really given credit for the incredibly wise things they say. Society seems to think that geniuses and heros have to do something memorable and remarkable, change the world, you know? but really, touching a single person's life is remarkable enough. Its kind of a chain reaction.
Anyways, I'm rambling. Lets get to the point.
Alyse and I were talking on Messenger earlier today, and we just started venting feelings, talking about problems, observations etc. The norm. The difference today was that I was in a very profound mood, and all the random thoughts that float about inside my head started to surface. Usually, I think about life, I observe, then I expand on them, its really rare that all these gathering thoughts actually get written down. I keep track of them in my head nonetheless.
One more thing before I post the conversation. True friends are great people to surround yourself with. Find people you can tell every detail of your life to and not be embarassed, people who understand you, etc. And I assure you, you will be beautifully rewarded.
Also, forgive the horrible formatting issue at the end... my brain kind of failed after being emptied of all that knowledge... forgive the horrible in text citations. Mrs. Hatch is to blame for that.
*A l l e r i a* says:
heyy
Cosette. says:
hey! you be back
*A l l e r i a* says:
yep!
Cosette. says:
yay!
Cosette. says:
What are you doing?
*A l l e r i a* says:
blasting music. thinking way too hard.
Cosette. says:
about what?
*A l l e r i a* says:
My life.
*A l l e r i a* says:
i miss hanging out with you, xandra, grant. I hardly hang out with people at all.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Im always home
*A l l e r i a* says:
but once or twice a week when I get to see nessa and jorden.
*A l l e r i a* says:
I miss people.
Cosette. says:
yeah... and then you think, "what am I doing? I only live once, surely these won't be the memorable days that I'll think of some day far off in the future. I need to get out and live my life. Make memories."
Cosette. says:
I've thought about this too.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Yeah. Exactly that.
Cosette. says:
I also miss hanging out with you.
Cosette. says:
I always think that I should make my life memorable somehow, and in the words of paramore 'live like its the last day you'll ever see' but... its hard. Life changing experiences don't come around too often
*A l l e r i a* says:
they come unexpectedly.
*A l l e r i a* says:
but you have to be doing something to bring them about. sitting in our rooms all the time wont bring anything.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Im being boring. Im afraid. Im afraid I will become too boring for Jorden. I should give myself a life.
Cosette. says:
You probably will never be too boring for Jorden. I'm sure just being with you is exciting enough for him. He feels as much about you as you do about him.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Yesterday when I was with him, we went to the park by the AF library and sat on the bench there. I couldnt say anything, I had nothing to talk about, I had no conversation starters or ideas of things to talk about. He brought up some stuff, but I want to do things and live so I can have stuff to talk about, not just sit there.
Cosette. says:
Like Grant
*A l l e r i a* says:
I've come to realize just how much he does care.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Its an odd thing.
Cosette. says:
about you?
*A l l e r i a* says:
Yeah.
Cosette. says:
well yes. thats what love is right?
*A l l e r i a* says:
And we need to hang with grant. I miss him terribly.
Cosette. says:
me too, I was thinking about that and I was about to text him when I remembered his phone broke.
Cosette. says:
oh well... I can always walk down the street when I'm not deathly ill.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Its sad though...me and jorden, our relationship is changing. not a bad thing, its just another thing. But still. We used to be joined at the hip while hanging out, he would always hug me and hold me and even do things absentmindedly, but as of recently he just hasn't. Like, he responds when I put my arms around him, but its different. Its not like he loves me any less, he is just going to stop
*A l l e r i a* says:
showing me so much, which is alright, i have no problem with this, i will just miss the constant attention. I decided I normally dont seek attention, but with him, I do want it.
Cosette. says:
Hmm... yeah. I understand... I'm not exactly sure why this happens. It seems like people get kinda burned out after awhile, like they still love each other, it just fades a little. Like marriage.
Cosette. says:
Its nice.
Cosette. says:
to feel loved i mean
Cosette. says:
I just finished reading the notebook and I'm all deep and contemplative about life haha. But, I decided that I want to marry a guy like Noah, one that will love me, and constantly remind himself of how much he really does, because I know I'll do the same. That way, I think loving someone forever can actually work. Maybe.
*A l l e r i a* says:
I want to marry a guy who will love me, and show it every once in a while, and never forget that he does. And I'll do the same. Maybe then it could last forever. Maybe.
Cosette. says:
Ah... I want a noah.
*A l l e r i a* says:
I'm not sure what I have. Besides someone who I want with me in my future, but I am willing to step back and let him make his own if needs be. Cause I know a lot of things can happen. And even though my stomach knots up and my eyes burn when I think about not being with him, reality is, anything can happen. Certainly anything on a negative scale as well.
Cosette. says:
Yeah. Even if it is horrible, everything happens for a reason, and I know a wonderful person like you will end up happy. Just make wise decisions.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Funny thing is, we can only make what we think now are wise decisions. its in the future, however near or far, when we find out just how wise those decisions really were.
Cosette. says:
Very true.
Cosette. says:
We can only guess at the future, and make decisions, depending on what we think is wise. Theres really no way to know for sure, so do the best you can in the moment.
*A l l e r i a* says:
That's what I've resolved, and been doing. Living in the moment, trying to be smart for the future by using knowledge from past decisions and experiences, things I've seen all taking their part in this.
Cosette. says:
Yeah. Its wierd. When people give advice they say stuff like (quote Carli's brother's band) "Don't look at the future, don't look at the past, look at now and make it last." Or something along those lines, but truth is, we have to remember the past, keep the future in mind, and live in the now. Its all mind boggling if you think about it.
*A l l e r i a* says:
without a doubt, definitely a boggling of the mind is in order.
*A l l e r i a* says:
But its true.
Cosette. says:
Yeah. Theres all these lessons to be learned in life, too many to keep in mind all at once, but we can only remember them, and apply the ones that pertain to our situations.
Cosette. says:
Hmm.
*A l l e r i a* says:
I like that analogy. It's very true.
Cosette. says:
what analogy?
*A l l e r i a* says:
What you just said. That theres all these lessons to be learned in life, too many to keep in mind all at once, but we can only remember them, and apply the ones that pertain to our situations.
Cosette. says:
yeah... that.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Yeeh.
*A l l e r i a* says:
*sigh*
Cosette. says:
yeah...
Cosette. says:
wow. That was a deep conversation.
Cosette. says:
Haha I'm occasionally shocked by my brilliance.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Lol. We are truely brilliant people I decided.
*A l l e r i a* says:
We know our stuff.
*A l l e r i a* says:
and we know we have so so much more to learn.
Cosette. says:
yeah. The world is filled with endless knowledge.
Cosette. says:
How exciting.
*A l l e r i a*
how...limitless.
Cosette:
haha let us take this moment to marvel at the sheer power of knowledge
Alyse:
wow...its kinda scary too. i decided im scared of a lot of things. I could brave life, im emotionally ready to be able to move out and everything if I was of age and money, but im afraid of what life is going to throw at me.
Cosette:
Yeah. Me too
I think its pretty weird how alot of people think of fear as weakness, and its the same with sadness, if you're afraid or sad, you're not living life right... at least thats what I've found some people think. But in reality, its impossible not to be afraid. Its impossible not to be sad. Truth is, we're all human. and only the people who truly know how to live life, will take those things and use them to their advantage
Alyse:
Im quoting you in my blog
Cosette:
haha thanks
Alyse:
Cosette. what you just said, thats going in there
that is so profound
Cosette:
yeah... I think... a lot
Alyse:
Cosette. Yeah, wow
Cosette:
... I think of these random things, I evaluate people and life, and then I expand on them, its not really often that I tell them to people.
Alyse:
Cosette. you should write them in a blog. the world will hear.
... and I cut out a little, because it made me look mentally challenged, but other than that theres the conversation.
Night everyone. Be inspired.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
The Wide World of Music.
I haven't written a blog in a while, although I've been meaning to for the last week or so. I should apologize for my previous, depressive, explosive blog. I was in the middle of writing a blog when my mom randomly started yelling at me (as always) *sigh*. Its not a very pleasant thing.
You should note that I changed my blog name, to Unrequited Love. Yep, thats what my life has become. A game of cat and mouse, yet I'm helpless to stop it. How pathetic.
Anyhow, I just watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and I have to say it was one of the most confusing movies I had ever watched. I loved the music, but personally, I think the storyline and characters need a little work. Their emotions were on the border of reality and eccentricity. I found that I couldn't really relate to them. Norah seemed too eager to please, and kind of... dumb. The storyline, was pretty good, although they could have done so much more with it. Like, they have some unknown connection that has something to do with music that draws you in. Perhaps, he could have put one of his mixes in his CD player while they were driving, and then she starts singing along with a track that he, himself wrote. Hm... that would give things a twist.
Oh well, enough negative critisism. I think, overall, I liked it. Especially the music. It inspired me.
After watching it, I started thinking a lot about music.
Music, is simply amazing. Every song is worth a thousand words (yes I did just take an age old saying and alter it so it makes an infinite amount of sense.) Even the words that aren't sang in songs can say so much more than words can. Every syllable has a story behind it, a million stories, if you think about it. Theres zillions of different ways you could string words, chords, instruments, etc together, but only one makes a particular song matter. Music is endless. Its kind of like people, you know? Everyone is unique, and no matter how many humans live or have lived, theres never going to be an exact duplicate.
I also decided that indie music is pretty much amazing. Indie music takes lyrics to a new level. My mom always laughs at it when we listen to my Indie Mix that I made a few months ago. She says the words make no sense. I say she's not enlightened. Shes still blind and untrained to the world of music.
You see, those words make so much sense, that they don't. Each word is like the earth. Theres millions of different layers to them, it just depends on how deep you dig. I can think of the words to a song for hours, and never quite grasp the complete meaning. Good songs do that. They make you obviously think.
I tried to write a song today. Well, half of a song. I wrote a piano solo thing, and then a guitar part to match. I gave up.
Then I started thinking.
There's really no way to mess up on creativity.
For the longest time, I was stuck on the fact that I was going to be no good at writing songs. I strive to be perfect. But perfection is a subjective thing. Its just an illusion that us humans create for ourselves. Every person has a different perception of perfect. Its something imaginary, something that can never be reached. Everything is imperfect (except probably Jesus), Art is just the only thing that actually captured that thought, and let it bloom.
Some of the most beautiful things aren't perfect. So why try? After all, perfection is overrated and doesn't exist.
So, for that reason, there's no way to screw up art.
My goal is to write a song, inspiring or not. Hey, its a start.
On another note, my mom just bought the movie Twilight, and I'm dying to watch it. But, I can't.
Every time I look at the cover, the only thing I see is Brady. If couples ever had movies, like couples have songs, Twilight was our movie. I saw Twilight three times in theaters, twice with Brady. It just seemed to fit us. We would always make analogies tied to it. I loved it. He's one of the only guys I've met that actually appreciated the greatness of Twilight, no strings attached. He didn't love it because becoming a Twilight fan would make him an instant chick magnet. He didn't love it to mock the classic man stereotype that society created. Nothing like that at all.
Well, I should probably end this and hit the hay. The glowing 19" computer screen is making my sickly eyes spin.
To end this blog, here's my most recent playlist packed full of awesome indie bands I discovered today. There's a lot of songs from Nick and Norah's infinite playlist on there. Good stuff.
You should note that I changed my blog name, to Unrequited Love. Yep, thats what my life has become. A game of cat and mouse, yet I'm helpless to stop it. How pathetic.
Anyhow, I just watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and I have to say it was one of the most confusing movies I had ever watched. I loved the music, but personally, I think the storyline and characters need a little work. Their emotions were on the border of reality and eccentricity. I found that I couldn't really relate to them. Norah seemed too eager to please, and kind of... dumb. The storyline, was pretty good, although they could have done so much more with it. Like, they have some unknown connection that has something to do with music that draws you in. Perhaps, he could have put one of his mixes in his CD player while they were driving, and then she starts singing along with a track that he, himself wrote. Hm... that would give things a twist.
Oh well, enough negative critisism. I think, overall, I liked it. Especially the music. It inspired me.
After watching it, I started thinking a lot about music.
Music, is simply amazing. Every song is worth a thousand words (yes I did just take an age old saying and alter it so it makes an infinite amount of sense.) Even the words that aren't sang in songs can say so much more than words can. Every syllable has a story behind it, a million stories, if you think about it. Theres zillions of different ways you could string words, chords, instruments, etc together, but only one makes a particular song matter. Music is endless. Its kind of like people, you know? Everyone is unique, and no matter how many humans live or have lived, theres never going to be an exact duplicate.
I also decided that indie music is pretty much amazing. Indie music takes lyrics to a new level. My mom always laughs at it when we listen to my Indie Mix that I made a few months ago. She says the words make no sense. I say she's not enlightened. Shes still blind and untrained to the world of music.
You see, those words make so much sense, that they don't. Each word is like the earth. Theres millions of different layers to them, it just depends on how deep you dig. I can think of the words to a song for hours, and never quite grasp the complete meaning. Good songs do that. They make you obviously think.
I tried to write a song today. Well, half of a song. I wrote a piano solo thing, and then a guitar part to match. I gave up.
Then I started thinking.
There's really no way to mess up on creativity.
For the longest time, I was stuck on the fact that I was going to be no good at writing songs. I strive to be perfect. But perfection is a subjective thing. Its just an illusion that us humans create for ourselves. Every person has a different perception of perfect. Its something imaginary, something that can never be reached. Everything is imperfect (except probably Jesus), Art is just the only thing that actually captured that thought, and let it bloom.
Some of the most beautiful things aren't perfect. So why try? After all, perfection is overrated and doesn't exist.
So, for that reason, there's no way to screw up art.
My goal is to write a song, inspiring or not. Hey, its a start.
On another note, my mom just bought the movie Twilight, and I'm dying to watch it. But, I can't.
Every time I look at the cover, the only thing I see is Brady. If couples ever had movies, like couples have songs, Twilight was our movie. I saw Twilight three times in theaters, twice with Brady. It just seemed to fit us. We would always make analogies tied to it. I loved it. He's one of the only guys I've met that actually appreciated the greatness of Twilight, no strings attached. He didn't love it because becoming a Twilight fan would make him an instant chick magnet. He didn't love it to mock the classic man stereotype that society created. Nothing like that at all.
Well, I should probably end this and hit the hay. The glowing 19" computer screen is making my sickly eyes spin.
To end this blog, here's my most recent playlist packed full of awesome indie bands I discovered today. There's a lot of songs from Nick and Norah's infinite playlist on there. Good stuff.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I HATE LIFE
Theres nothing like feeling like crying, only to have someone blame you for all their problems and life, yell at you, and threaten to hit you.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Wishes.
I wish that life didn't suck.
I wish humans weren't self centered.
I wish homework was easy.
I wish I could be happy.
I wish I lived closer to my friends.
I wish I could have a nice cold coke right now.
I wish sharpies didn't bleed.
I wish Atreyu didn't remind me of Brady.
I wish I could live by myself... and drive.
I wish whoever invented the saying "look out for #1" would have been dropped out of a two story building as a child and had become mentally handicapped.
I wish dreams could be real.
I wish unicorns existed.
I wish it was possible to fly as high as you want on a teeter todder without falling over.
I wish people would stop taking life so seriously and just smile.
I wish the more people could experience the joy of owning a cardigan sweater.
I wish I knew.
I wish I could tell people how I really feel.
I wish I was motivated.
I wish Brady wasn't on my mind all the time.
I wish we didn't have to hurt others to survive in this world.
I wish I didn't have a miniature heart attack every time I see Cade in art class.
I wish hurt wasn't invetible.
I wish the jewish star wasn't on the bottom of my vans.
I wish life made sense.
I wish symphony bars were only 50 cents.
I wish our government didn't run on money.
I wish I could fly.
I wish Kurt Cobain wasn't afraid of commitment.
I wish he hadn't died so young.
I wish lava lamps were still in fashion.
I wish I could see Tegan and Sara in concert again.
I wish most pencil sharpeners actually worked.
I wish I wasn't afraid to sing.
I wish I wasn't confused.
I wish the news was happy.
I wish Utahns didn't think that Obama is bringing about the end of the world.
I wish skinny jeans fit me.
I wish I could freely express my views to my parents without being yelled at.
I wish I could feel welcome in my own house.
I wish my life didn't resemble Coldplay's 'The Scientist'
I wish Beat Radio was a signed band.
I wish craft stores sold plain t-shirts that didn't feel like boxes.
I wish I could keep plants alive.
I wish that when I look in the mirror, I could see myself as others see me.
I wish humans made sense.
I wish Cade and I were still friends.
I wish I still recieved a text every morning that says "Hello Dearest."
I wish the good old days weren't in the past.
I wish my bed was a hammock.
I wish I could draw realistically.
I wish Alyse still lived down the street.
I wish my heart wasn't broken.
I wish I always told the truth.
I wish I could be good enough.
I wish vending machines would take 5's.
I wish Cole had good friends.
I wish it was possible for two people to love each other forever.
I wish there was a word that rhymed with purple.
I wish I knew myself.
I wish Emily and I could take pole dancing lessons.
I wish Paco the water walking llama existed.
I wish I didn't always have to hide my feelings.
I wish "I love you" would be taken more seriously.
I wish I had a tattoo of a mustache on my finger.
I wish homeless people had houses.
I wish drugs didn't exist.
I wish unicorns actually ate spaghetti and shot it out of their horn.
I wish everyone would wish each other "happy hump day" every Wednesday.
I wish I could still listen to the Twilight album and feel an incredible peaceful happiness.
I wish all kitchen utinsels had pictures on them.
I wish I was photogenic.
I wish more people thought like Mr Bass.
I wish Oakeson liked me.
I wish I didn't blush every time Bentley Rawle looks at me.
I wish there were less expensive vintage stores.
I wish I didn't live on a hill.
I wish the NES was still popular.
I wish most of these blogs weren't about Brady.
I wish more Americans knew how to punctuate.
I wish I was lucky.
I wish I wasn't always the broken one.
I wish I still knew still knew people I went to preschool with.
I wish Rob Sheffield's wife hadn't died.
I wish me and Nessa were still as close as we were.
I wish my neighbors window shutters matched their house.
I wish I didn't let so many people down.
I wish life always seemed worth living.
I wish The Notebook was real.
I wish I was more athletic.
I wish I could see an Arizona sunset with my own eyes.
I wish I could cook.
I wish Hayleigh had a purple lawn chair to match mine.
I wish I was a better friend.
I wish worms had wings.
I wish animals would look both ways before crossing the road.
I wish I paid attention in church more.
I wish I understood football.
I wish I had a stack of old National Geographic magazines.
I wish more frantic women would write novels about the sorting of socks.
I wish my broken heart didn't physically hurt.
I wish rumors didn't exist.
I wish Utah wasn't overdue for an earthquake.
I wish I could write songs.
I wish I could inspire the world.
I wish more people could know God like I know Him.
I wish I could wear PJ's in public.
I wish I could still kiss the wall and know Brady was doing the same to his pillow.
I wish the Utah air didn't suck.
I wish more girl singers made quality music.
I wish people didn't make life so dramatic.
I wish I lived in the 60's.
I wish I could live in a house where everyone had a positive influence on each other.
I wish I could have Brady back.
I wish flowers grew in the winter.
I wish I didn't argue with my parents.
I wish I would read the Bible more.
I wish there was no war.
I wish my alarm clock wasn't so annoying.
I wish it was possible to be myself around everyone.
I wish the school food tasted good.
I wish I was taller.
I wish I could have kissed Brady again.
I wish I could communicate better.
I wish it wasn't too late.
I wish I lived closer to the library.
I wish my closet at Hayleighs house was the biggest.
I wish life wasn't a race.
I wish Dylan hadn't moved.
I wish I had a relationship like Kayla and Cody.
I wish peace was more than a mental state.
I wish I would have told Brady exactly how I felt.
I wish my teeth were straight.
Monday, March 9, 2009
The Trials of Love vs. The Unblemished Heart
Light and dark. Yin and Yang. Good and evil. Not one could exist without the other, despite the extremeness (pretend thats a word) of their differences. I've come to notice that most things in life, can be narrowed down to either one extremity or another. When we make decision in life, its like we come to a fork in the road. One route leading one way, the other leading the total opposite.
But what must we do when we come to that fork in the road, and neither side presents everything we want? We have to pick and choose depending on our morals and personality.
Love is particularly like that. It seems to me, there are only two choices, with no exceptions. You can either love, experience the thrill and happiness of a lifetime, but also feel the unbearable pain of heartbreak. Or you can never love, and save yourself from the sea of hurt that comes with it, the happiness you feel never going deeper than the surface, yet flying contentedly through life. What to choose, what to choose?
On one hand, you have love, on the other safety. Its impossible to love safely, in the road of life there are no shortcuts. In order to give your heart to another, to give your all to another being, implies vulnerability. To witness the wholeness of true love, I really believe that you have to give it your all, and wear your heart on your sleeve, if you hide it away, how will they find it?
Love is to explore the unexplored.
Love is to be spontaneous and hopeful.
Love is to be unashamed.
Love is to be trusting, unminding of the consequences.
Love is to be truthful.
Love is fearlessness toward the unknown.
Amongst all these great things, lurks a truth unpleasant and unappealing.
Pain.
No matter what, no matter how many precautions you take, to love is to hurt. And with every time you give your heart away, it will undoubtedly break. As Alyse says, we are never completely whole, as we travel along in life, we leave bits and pieces of ourselves in others. People will be wreckless, unknowing of the fragile nature of the human heart, or simply blind to it. They will throw it on the ground, step on it, and laugh in your face. They will rip it apart and steal all your duct tape. They'll throw it in a fire and package the ashes into playground sand, so millions of little kids can stomp all over it.
There comes a time in life, when one must gather up the pieces with tears in their eyes, and sew it back together. Although once broken, it can never be whole, the best we can do is to watch it wheeze, throb, bleed, pulse, and beat again. Sometimes, it seems easier to save ourselves from all this trouble, to just give up love, and to hide in our metaphorical boxes (...or real boxes if you happen to be homeless.) Sometimes it seems easier to keep our hearts and protect them from the burdens of the world. All in all, its your decision.
I will now quote Brady, because 1) it applies to this blog. 2) he has brilliant theories about everything. and 3) I just love him.
"Love is a curious thing, but if you think about it, most love starts from curiosity."
Now, I'm not exactly sure what he intended this to mean, most of his theories were beyond my comprehension, but I know what I beleive it to mean.
Love is unknown territory for most of us at one point in life, our motivation is curiosity. There's always been something mysteriously intriguing about love, something that is almost magical. The curious idea, that some sort of endless happiness exists seems almost unreal. So we unleash our feelings, in order to experience this passionate joy. With love comes irrational feelings; unusual bursts of happiness, extreme depression, anxiety, complete selflessness, fear, stress, uncontrollable adoration, pride, heartache. Some are extraordinary, while others are frightening.
Maybe, just maybe love is worth it. Maybe a moment of unforgettable happiness, can make up for a lifetime of pain. Maybe, a life without love really is one without meaning. Maybe this dull ache in my heart, means something much much more.
... maybe, just maybe.
But what must we do when we come to that fork in the road, and neither side presents everything we want? We have to pick and choose depending on our morals and personality.
Love is particularly like that. It seems to me, there are only two choices, with no exceptions. You can either love, experience the thrill and happiness of a lifetime, but also feel the unbearable pain of heartbreak. Or you can never love, and save yourself from the sea of hurt that comes with it, the happiness you feel never going deeper than the surface, yet flying contentedly through life. What to choose, what to choose?
On one hand, you have love, on the other safety. Its impossible to love safely, in the road of life there are no shortcuts. In order to give your heart to another, to give your all to another being, implies vulnerability. To witness the wholeness of true love, I really believe that you have to give it your all, and wear your heart on your sleeve, if you hide it away, how will they find it?
Love is to explore the unexplored.
Love is to be spontaneous and hopeful.
Love is to be unashamed.
Love is to be trusting, unminding of the consequences.
Love is to be truthful.
Love is fearlessness toward the unknown.
Amongst all these great things, lurks a truth unpleasant and unappealing.
Pain.
No matter what, no matter how many precautions you take, to love is to hurt. And with every time you give your heart away, it will undoubtedly break. As Alyse says, we are never completely whole, as we travel along in life, we leave bits and pieces of ourselves in others. People will be wreckless, unknowing of the fragile nature of the human heart, or simply blind to it. They will throw it on the ground, step on it, and laugh in your face. They will rip it apart and steal all your duct tape. They'll throw it in a fire and package the ashes into playground sand, so millions of little kids can stomp all over it.
There comes a time in life, when one must gather up the pieces with tears in their eyes, and sew it back together. Although once broken, it can never be whole, the best we can do is to watch it wheeze, throb, bleed, pulse, and beat again. Sometimes, it seems easier to save ourselves from all this trouble, to just give up love, and to hide in our metaphorical boxes (...or real boxes if you happen to be homeless.) Sometimes it seems easier to keep our hearts and protect them from the burdens of the world. All in all, its your decision.
I will now quote Brady, because 1) it applies to this blog. 2) he has brilliant theories about everything. and 3) I just love him.
"Love is a curious thing, but if you think about it, most love starts from curiosity."
Now, I'm not exactly sure what he intended this to mean, most of his theories were beyond my comprehension, but I know what I beleive it to mean.
Love is unknown territory for most of us at one point in life, our motivation is curiosity. There's always been something mysteriously intriguing about love, something that is almost magical. The curious idea, that some sort of endless happiness exists seems almost unreal. So we unleash our feelings, in order to experience this passionate joy. With love comes irrational feelings; unusual bursts of happiness, extreme depression, anxiety, complete selflessness, fear, stress, uncontrollable adoration, pride, heartache. Some are extraordinary, while others are frightening.
Maybe, just maybe love is worth it. Maybe a moment of unforgettable happiness, can make up for a lifetime of pain. Maybe, a life without love really is one without meaning. Maybe this dull ache in my heart, means something much much more.
... maybe, just maybe.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Can you say shallower than a kiddie pool?
Hey there all my fellow blog readers. Its been under 24 hours since my last blog... but I have something to write about thats been on my mind all day, not to mention all week. Hopefully, I haven't fallen into the 'addicted blogger/computer nerd' category yet... and if I have, who cares! I am a computer nerd!
Anyway... So lately I've been really moody, and to be quite honest, its a first for me, usually I'm a chill person that doesn't complain and just jokes around. But I've been surprising myself this week. Its scary actually. It might possibly have something to do with Brady breaking up with me but... maybe I'm just becoming a dramatic loser. Today, I actually yelled at Tanner Raimer, I felt horrible doing it, but hes one of those people who needs a good beating every so often. Now, I have never EVER yelled at one of my friends before, although I wouldn't classify Tanner as a 'friend', hes more of an annoying person who follows me around and eats lunch in the corner with all of my REAL friends. So in English class, Tanner was talking to Brady Winward about how it was hilarious that he pulled down Alyse's backpack strap and she fell over on the floor. Alyse was telling me yesterday about how Tanner wouldn't leave her alone and how he was really bugging her. I didn't really think anything of it, until he started laughing like a young gorilla at what he did. Normally, I would have just brushed it off and ignored him but, today something just snapped. The conversation went kind of like this:
"Hehehe, yesterday I yanked down alyse's backpack strap and she totally fell on her butt, it was hilarious, hehehehehe."
"Hey, shut up."
"What?"
"Shut up, Tanner. Alyse doesn't like it when you bug her. So stop it. She had her laptop in her backpack, and you could have broken it. Never touch her again."
"... her backpack never hit the floor."
Luckily, he didn't bother me after that, my voice was pretty fierce haha. I don't really know why I did it. Maybe I was tired of people being rude to my friends and trash talking them, or maybe it was because Tanner had been getting on my nerves for quite a while, and my patience had run out.
Then, at lunch, I made another bold move. It was just like any other day; Me, Alyse, Grant, Greyson, Tyler, Brady, and Tanner sitting in the "Kool Kids Korner" but since I was already a bit pissed off at Tanner from the harsh voice incident, I really wasn't in the mood to sit with them. As I was eating my mashed potatoes and gravy, they were sitting in a circle making sex jokes and swearing. I never really liked sitting there, ever since Tanner, Brady and Tyler randomly invited themselves to sit with us. No joke, every other word was a swear word, and I can't stand it when people use swear words to either offend people, or make themselves 'cooler' which makes no sense because swearing is like one of the lamest things EVER. They don't even know how to swear right. Their conversations were like, "Hey, Joe was being a asshole to me, I'm gonna go kick his ass." What the heck?!? Can you say shallower than a kiddie pool? I'm thinking they're as shallow as a little puddle in the gutter right after it has just rained for like 15 minutes, one with worm corpses in it. Ew.
But anyway, I always dread lunch time because I know they'll come sit with us, and make it miserable for me and Alyse. So, today, I snapped again. I got up with Grant, and walked away, thus playing penny hockey upstairs.
I've been thinking about it a lot, and decided that I'm sick of them. I know its mean, and I tried my hardest for about 3 or 4 months to be nice to them and be their friend, but you can only take so much. You know what I mean?
I'm sick of eating lunch with people that live to annoy the heck out of me. I'm sick of taking trash talk from people; my parents, aquaintances, etc. about my friends. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me. I'm sick of never speaking my mind about things. I'm sick of Brady tackling me every time he sees me. I'm sick of people trying to pull me into their drama. I'm sick of life.
I need a break.
I need a huge long vacation with people that I know would never hurt me, and understand how I feel about everything.
Too bad thats impossible.
I'm going to stop rambling about my pointless dramatic problems. I've just been feeling breakable lately. My perception of myself has faded, and I'm trying my best to find me again. I know I'm not a drama queen who makes every small problem a huge issue, or someone who quickly loses their temper over dumb things. Hopefully blogging has cleared my mind of everything, and maybe I'll be able to sort my life out. Just bear with me here.
Heres a few last songs.
Over and out,
Cosette.
Anyway... So lately I've been really moody, and to be quite honest, its a first for me, usually I'm a chill person that doesn't complain and just jokes around. But I've been surprising myself this week. Its scary actually. It might possibly have something to do with Brady breaking up with me but... maybe I'm just becoming a dramatic loser. Today, I actually yelled at Tanner Raimer, I felt horrible doing it, but hes one of those people who needs a good beating every so often. Now, I have never EVER yelled at one of my friends before, although I wouldn't classify Tanner as a 'friend', hes more of an annoying person who follows me around and eats lunch in the corner with all of my REAL friends. So in English class, Tanner was talking to Brady Winward about how it was hilarious that he pulled down Alyse's backpack strap and she fell over on the floor. Alyse was telling me yesterday about how Tanner wouldn't leave her alone and how he was really bugging her. I didn't really think anything of it, until he started laughing like a young gorilla at what he did. Normally, I would have just brushed it off and ignored him but, today something just snapped. The conversation went kind of like this:
"Hehehe, yesterday I yanked down alyse's backpack strap and she totally fell on her butt, it was hilarious, hehehehehe."
"Hey, shut up."
"What?"
"Shut up, Tanner. Alyse doesn't like it when you bug her. So stop it. She had her laptop in her backpack, and you could have broken it. Never touch her again."
"... her backpack never hit the floor."
Luckily, he didn't bother me after that, my voice was pretty fierce haha. I don't really know why I did it. Maybe I was tired of people being rude to my friends and trash talking them, or maybe it was because Tanner had been getting on my nerves for quite a while, and my patience had run out.
Then, at lunch, I made another bold move. It was just like any other day; Me, Alyse, Grant, Greyson, Tyler, Brady, and Tanner sitting in the "Kool Kids Korner" but since I was already a bit pissed off at Tanner from the harsh voice incident, I really wasn't in the mood to sit with them. As I was eating my mashed potatoes and gravy, they were sitting in a circle making sex jokes and swearing. I never really liked sitting there, ever since Tanner, Brady and Tyler randomly invited themselves to sit with us. No joke, every other word was a swear word, and I can't stand it when people use swear words to either offend people, or make themselves 'cooler' which makes no sense because swearing is like one of the lamest things EVER. They don't even know how to swear right. Their conversations were like, "Hey, Joe was being a asshole to me, I'm gonna go kick his ass." What the heck?!? Can you say shallower than a kiddie pool? I'm thinking they're as shallow as a little puddle in the gutter right after it has just rained for like 15 minutes, one with worm corpses in it. Ew.
But anyway, I always dread lunch time because I know they'll come sit with us, and make it miserable for me and Alyse. So, today, I snapped again. I got up with Grant, and walked away, thus playing penny hockey upstairs.
I've been thinking about it a lot, and decided that I'm sick of them. I know its mean, and I tried my hardest for about 3 or 4 months to be nice to them and be their friend, but you can only take so much. You know what I mean?
I'm sick of eating lunch with people that live to annoy the heck out of me. I'm sick of taking trash talk from people; my parents, aquaintances, etc. about my friends. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me. I'm sick of never speaking my mind about things. I'm sick of Brady tackling me every time he sees me. I'm sick of people trying to pull me into their drama. I'm sick of life.
I need a break.
I need a huge long vacation with people that I know would never hurt me, and understand how I feel about everything.
Too bad thats impossible.
I'm going to stop rambling about my pointless dramatic problems. I've just been feeling breakable lately. My perception of myself has faded, and I'm trying my best to find me again. I know I'm not a drama queen who makes every small problem a huge issue, or someone who quickly loses their temper over dumb things. Hopefully blogging has cleared my mind of everything, and maybe I'll be able to sort my life out. Just bear with me here.
Heres a few last songs.
Over and out,
Cosette.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I. Am. Cinderella.
Wow... a lot has been on my mind during the last few days, I've needed to blog for what seems like ever, but last time I even tried to I just stared at the computer screen for a half hour. I didn't know how to put my thoughts into words... I'm not even sure if I can now, but I'll give it a shot.
Just a few random things to start...
I've been thinking, its really odd how music can influence someone's life. Its such a powerful force that can make you happy, or bring tears to your eyes. All kinds of messages are sent through it, ones of heartbreak, ones of inspiration, anything. Its an outlet for sharing your emotions, just like blogging in a way. Musicians are brilliant people. They capture the wordless things in life and create music, something so much more powerful than words. Right now I would like to thank The Break and Repair Method for being musical geniuses. Their songs are about heartbreak, about hurt, but they manage to keep the charade, they manage to keep the music upbeat and happyish. In a way, its so much more down to Earth than other songs. Isn't it what we all do? When something goes wrong, we put on a mask and hide what we really feel as our heart yells out to anyone who can hear it? Maybe I'm reading way too deep into their music, but I'm loving it.
Second of all, my thumb hurts super bad... I was playing guitar for almost 2 hours straight today and I didn't even realize how hard I was pressing my thumb down on the back of the neck. Now its all numb and hurty and tingly... but I guess its ok because Emily kissed it better. Oh! Emily! She is my favorite! We're in the same flock, band, and... well everything! To be honest, she was probably the reason I didn't totally have an emotional breakdown at blur today. She sat on the stacks of chairs with me while everyone had fun and played balloon games. I really wasn't in the mood, and neither was she. It was nice to have a partner in heartbrokeness.
Thirdly, the eternal question. Do men with ridiculously large beards shampoo them in the shower? No one seems to know! And I personally don't know a redneck bearded man to ask myself. Me and my mom were sitting in taco bell and this hobo man walked in to use the restroom and she was like "I wonder if bearded men shampoo their beards." and ever since then, I wonder. I know that if it was humanly possible for me to grow a beard and I actually found it attractive to have an appendage on my chin resembling a small woodland animal, I would most definately shampoo my beard.
Ok, this is completely random, but I'm pretty sure women sleep better in their underwear.
I know I do.
I've been noticing lately, I really am growing up too fast. By golly! I'm only 13 years old (soon to be 14 as of next week but thats not important), although mentally I feel so much older. It sucks. Its like I'm stuck in this little kid body while my brain matures so much faster. I forget my actual age a lot. I actually consider myself fifteen, oddly enough.
But the thing that sparked this sudden thinking was the daddy daughter valentines dance at my church. I bought a new dress, dressed up to the max, and got to dance with my friends, but there was something else... my dad. Although he prefered to stand on the outskirts of the dance floor while eating the cookies from the snack table and chatting with the other outcast dads, we did slow dance a little. One song in particular, got me thinking. It was called Cinderella, or something along those lines. Oh! Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman. The chorus goes like this:
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...
The last two lines nearly brought tears to my eyes... Actually I think they did. Life is short, and I'm wasting it on my own selfish activities. Until that point I never tryed to see it another way. It was my life, I should be able to do what I want right. In those words, I realized how fast I was growing up. I realized that time never stops, and soon enough, I'll be gone. Will I have regrets? Will I wish I spent my time more wisely? I suddenly wanted to live my life less selfishly, I wanted to spend as much time with my family, my friends, the people I love, because one day, it will all be gone. Just a memory. Its up to me, right now, to make the memories so wonderful and memorable that at the end, I can look back, and smile.
So now I'm all blogged out... Imma hit the hay. Have a wonderful night, day, morning, afternoon, midday, evening, whatever you please. Just do it wonderfully.
Here's a few more songs.
Just a few random things to start...
I've been thinking, its really odd how music can influence someone's life. Its such a powerful force that can make you happy, or bring tears to your eyes. All kinds of messages are sent through it, ones of heartbreak, ones of inspiration, anything. Its an outlet for sharing your emotions, just like blogging in a way. Musicians are brilliant people. They capture the wordless things in life and create music, something so much more powerful than words. Right now I would like to thank The Break and Repair Method for being musical geniuses. Their songs are about heartbreak, about hurt, but they manage to keep the charade, they manage to keep the music upbeat and happyish. In a way, its so much more down to Earth than other songs. Isn't it what we all do? When something goes wrong, we put on a mask and hide what we really feel as our heart yells out to anyone who can hear it? Maybe I'm reading way too deep into their music, but I'm loving it.
Second of all, my thumb hurts super bad... I was playing guitar for almost 2 hours straight today and I didn't even realize how hard I was pressing my thumb down on the back of the neck. Now its all numb and hurty and tingly... but I guess its ok because Emily kissed it better. Oh! Emily! She is my favorite! We're in the same flock, band, and... well everything! To be honest, she was probably the reason I didn't totally have an emotional breakdown at blur today. She sat on the stacks of chairs with me while everyone had fun and played balloon games. I really wasn't in the mood, and neither was she. It was nice to have a partner in heartbrokeness.
Thirdly, the eternal question. Do men with ridiculously large beards shampoo them in the shower? No one seems to know! And I personally don't know a redneck bearded man to ask myself. Me and my mom were sitting in taco bell and this hobo man walked in to use the restroom and she was like "I wonder if bearded men shampoo their beards." and ever since then, I wonder. I know that if it was humanly possible for me to grow a beard and I actually found it attractive to have an appendage on my chin resembling a small woodland animal, I would most definately shampoo my beard.
Ok, this is completely random, but I'm pretty sure women sleep better in their underwear.
I know I do.
I've been noticing lately, I really am growing up too fast. By golly! I'm only 13 years old (soon to be 14 as of next week but thats not important), although mentally I feel so much older. It sucks. Its like I'm stuck in this little kid body while my brain matures so much faster. I forget my actual age a lot. I actually consider myself fifteen, oddly enough.
But the thing that sparked this sudden thinking was the daddy daughter valentines dance at my church. I bought a new dress, dressed up to the max, and got to dance with my friends, but there was something else... my dad. Although he prefered to stand on the outskirts of the dance floor while eating the cookies from the snack table and chatting with the other outcast dads, we did slow dance a little. One song in particular, got me thinking. It was called Cinderella, or something along those lines. Oh! Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman. The chorus goes like this:
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...
The last two lines nearly brought tears to my eyes... Actually I think they did. Life is short, and I'm wasting it on my own selfish activities. Until that point I never tryed to see it another way. It was my life, I should be able to do what I want right. In those words, I realized how fast I was growing up. I realized that time never stops, and soon enough, I'll be gone. Will I have regrets? Will I wish I spent my time more wisely? I suddenly wanted to live my life less selfishly, I wanted to spend as much time with my family, my friends, the people I love, because one day, it will all be gone. Just a memory. Its up to me, right now, to make the memories so wonderful and memorable that at the end, I can look back, and smile.
So now I'm all blogged out... Imma hit the hay. Have a wonderful night, day, morning, afternoon, midday, evening, whatever you please. Just do it wonderfully.
Here's a few more songs.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Friends, and Thoughts.
Wow... its been a whole entire week since I've submitted a blog. Usually I neglect my blog when I have nothing to write about, but this week, theres way too many things on my mind, and I find it impossible to organize them all to the point of writing them down. *sigh* Time goes by too fast, but at the same time, every second seems like forever. Mainly because I've lost my motivation for almost everything in life.
First, I lost Brady, and I have the last blog to explain that.
Second, today at band practice, Allie decided to inform us that Con Fuoco has to split up, on account of David. I was already in a bad mood, but this made it ten times worse. He decided that there's too much talent, musically speaking, and is making us split into 2 bands. It basically crushed me. These were the people that I've spent like millions of hours with. We've been together since the summer, and now he's splitting us up. Allie didn't seem to take it too badly, considering she will still be the leader of BOTH bands. Now, I'll hardly play guitar for my church at all, and that hurts more than anything. Band practice is pretty much the only thing I look forward to anymore. I love spending time with all the people at my church, they understand me almost as much as my school friends. When I play guitar on the stage, all my problems seem to float away as I focus on the chords and how the music connects together. Now, I guess those things will be gone too. I almost decided to give up guitar for good today. If everything I do gets screwed up anyway, why try at all? Relationships, music, schoolwork, friendship, etc. I'm a failure...
Now I'm not going to lie, my life sucks pretty bad, but its not completely horrible. In the last week I've noticed all the wonderful things I take for granted. For instance, my amazing friends. I possibly have the BEST friends in the world. I got a whole bunch of different reactions when I told them that Brady broke up with me. When I texted Xandra, she did everything she could to make me feel better, and kept texing me although most of my replies were one or two words, and consised of things like "F life." "I suck" She always had something brilliant to say, that literally made me cry with happiness. When I told Hayleigh, she gave me a hug and asked went on a tangent about how she would have ditched Brantley, ran away after her curfew, etc to come and give me a hug if I had told her on Sunday. Alyse... now she never actually went on the huge "give-cosette-advice" speal I thought she would (wow shes been surprising me lately) but instead remained silent, gave me time to think about it, didn't ask questions. She let me explain them to her on my own time. Also, as I walked around school pretending to be just fine, laughing and smiling, I knew she could see past the charade, and I was thankful for that. Randomly she would just give me a hug when I felt like dying, covering it up with my laughter. Appearantly Grant knew something was wrong with me too, when I hugged him goodbye on Monday, he gave me an actual good hug, something I would have thought impossible for him. Usually, he gives me side hugs, oddly.
At church today, I felt more loved than ever. Usually its Brady who gets all the attention, but I guess I stole some of his popularity glow. Today, I was swarmed with people preparing to beat him up for me. Strangely, that made me feel more at peace, although I declined their requests to pummel him into the ground.
Another random thought, when I came to church today, I was dreading the time when I had to see Brady. I was afraid of the kind of uncivilized emotions that would be unleashed when I looked at his face. But when I did, it wasn't anger, hurt, or sadness. Just that familiar, comfortable, slightly nervous feeling that I always have felt. It should have unnerved me, but it didn't. For a moment, it felt as if everything had returned to normal, although I knew it hadn't. In blur, I would look over occasionally at him, just staring for a moment before looking away. I wondered if he was doing the same, even though I never caught him in the act. Which probably meant he wasn't. *sigh*
Well I'm starting to ramble now... so I'm going to end this with a list of great songs you should listen to that describe exactly how I've been feeling lately.
The Scientist - Coldplay
Forget About the Bright Side - The Break and Repair Method
You Wont Be Able To Be Sad - The Break and Repair Method
Bulletproof Weeks - Matt Nathanson
First, I lost Brady, and I have the last blog to explain that.
Second, today at band practice, Allie decided to inform us that Con Fuoco has to split up, on account of David. I was already in a bad mood, but this made it ten times worse. He decided that there's too much talent, musically speaking, and is making us split into 2 bands. It basically crushed me. These were the people that I've spent like millions of hours with. We've been together since the summer, and now he's splitting us up. Allie didn't seem to take it too badly, considering she will still be the leader of BOTH bands. Now, I'll hardly play guitar for my church at all, and that hurts more than anything. Band practice is pretty much the only thing I look forward to anymore. I love spending time with all the people at my church, they understand me almost as much as my school friends. When I play guitar on the stage, all my problems seem to float away as I focus on the chords and how the music connects together. Now, I guess those things will be gone too. I almost decided to give up guitar for good today. If everything I do gets screwed up anyway, why try at all? Relationships, music, schoolwork, friendship, etc. I'm a failure...
Now I'm not going to lie, my life sucks pretty bad, but its not completely horrible. In the last week I've noticed all the wonderful things I take for granted. For instance, my amazing friends. I possibly have the BEST friends in the world. I got a whole bunch of different reactions when I told them that Brady broke up with me. When I texted Xandra, she did everything she could to make me feel better, and kept texing me although most of my replies were one or two words, and consised of things like "F life." "I suck" She always had something brilliant to say, that literally made me cry with happiness. When I told Hayleigh, she gave me a hug and asked went on a tangent about how she would have ditched Brantley, ran away after her curfew, etc to come and give me a hug if I had told her on Sunday. Alyse... now she never actually went on the huge "give-cosette-advice" speal I thought she would (wow shes been surprising me lately) but instead remained silent, gave me time to think about it, didn't ask questions. She let me explain them to her on my own time. Also, as I walked around school pretending to be just fine, laughing and smiling, I knew she could see past the charade, and I was thankful for that. Randomly she would just give me a hug when I felt like dying, covering it up with my laughter. Appearantly Grant knew something was wrong with me too, when I hugged him goodbye on Monday, he gave me an actual good hug, something I would have thought impossible for him. Usually, he gives me side hugs, oddly.
At church today, I felt more loved than ever. Usually its Brady who gets all the attention, but I guess I stole some of his popularity glow. Today, I was swarmed with people preparing to beat him up for me. Strangely, that made me feel more at peace, although I declined their requests to pummel him into the ground.
Another random thought, when I came to church today, I was dreading the time when I had to see Brady. I was afraid of the kind of uncivilized emotions that would be unleashed when I looked at his face. But when I did, it wasn't anger, hurt, or sadness. Just that familiar, comfortable, slightly nervous feeling that I always have felt. It should have unnerved me, but it didn't. For a moment, it felt as if everything had returned to normal, although I knew it hadn't. In blur, I would look over occasionally at him, just staring for a moment before looking away. I wondered if he was doing the same, even though I never caught him in the act. Which probably meant he wasn't. *sigh*
Well I'm starting to ramble now... so I'm going to end this with a list of great songs you should listen to that describe exactly how I've been feeling lately.
The Scientist - Coldplay
Forget About the Bright Side - The Break and Repair Method
You Wont Be Able To Be Sad - The Break and Repair Method
Bulletproof Weeks - Matt Nathanson
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