First, I lost Brady, and I have the last blog to explain that.
Second, today at band practice, Allie decided to inform us that Con Fuoco has to split up, on account of David. I was already in a bad mood, but this made it ten times worse. He decided that there's too much talent, musically speaking, and is making us split into 2 bands. It basically crushed me. These were the people that I've spent like millions of hours with. We've been together since the summer, and now he's splitting us up. Allie didn't seem to take it too badly, considering she will still be the leader of BOTH bands. Now, I'll hardly play guitar for my church at all, and that hurts more than anything. Band practice is pretty much the only thing I look forward to anymore. I love spending time with all the people at my church, they understand me almost as much as my school friends. When I play guitar on the stage, all my problems seem to float away as I focus on the chords and how the music connects together. Now, I guess those things will be gone too. I almost decided to give up guitar for good today. If everything I do gets screwed up anyway, why try at all? Relationships, music, schoolwork, friendship, etc. I'm a failure...
Now I'm not going to lie, my life sucks pretty bad, but its not completely horrible. In the last week I've noticed all the wonderful things I take for granted. For instance, my amazing friends. I possibly have the BEST friends in the world. I got a whole bunch of different reactions when I told them that Brady broke up with me. When I texted Xandra, she did everything she could to make me feel better, and kept texing me although most of my replies were one or two words, and consised of things like "F life." "I suck" She always had something brilliant to say, that literally made me cry with happiness. When I told Hayleigh, she gave me a hug and asked went on a tangent about how she would have ditched Brantley, ran away after her curfew, etc to come and give me a hug if I had told her on Sunday. Alyse... now she never actually went on the huge "give-cosette-advice" speal I thought she would (wow shes been surprising me lately) but instead remained silent, gave me time to think about it, didn't ask questions. She let me explain them to her on my own time. Also, as I walked around school pretending to be just fine, laughing and smiling, I knew she could see past the charade, and I was thankful for that. Randomly she would just give me a hug when I felt like dying, covering it up with my laughter. Appearantly Grant knew something was wrong with me too, when I hugged him goodbye on Monday, he gave me an actual good hug, something I would have thought impossible for him. Usually, he gives me side hugs, oddly.
At church today, I felt more loved than ever. Usually its Brady who gets all the attention, but I guess I stole some of his popularity glow. Today, I was swarmed with people preparing to beat him up for me. Strangely, that made me feel more at peace, although I declined their requests to pummel him into the ground.
Another random thought, when I came to church today, I was dreading the time when I had to see Brady. I was afraid of the kind of uncivilized emotions that would be unleashed when I looked at his face. But when I did, it wasn't anger, hurt, or sadness. Just that familiar, comfortable, slightly nervous feeling that I always have felt. It should have unnerved me, but it didn't. For a moment, it felt as if everything had returned to normal, although I knew it hadn't. In blur, I would look over occasionally at him, just staring for a moment before looking away. I wondered if he was doing the same, even though I never caught him in the act. Which probably meant he wasn't. *sigh*
Well I'm starting to ramble now... so I'm going to end this with a list of great songs you should listen to that describe exactly how I've been feeling lately.
The Scientist - Coldplay
Forget About the Bright Side - The Break and Repair Method
You Wont Be Able To Be Sad - The Break and Repair Method
Bulletproof Weeks - Matt Nathanson
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