The Idiocy of Modern Facebook Groups

So today I was procrastinating, as I am now, by checking out facebook.
Reading people's updates, looking at some pictures, posting a comment or two, you know,
When I came across a few idiotic (to say the least) Facebook groups.
One was called:
I Hate Stupid B**ches
and the other:
Become a Fan of Swearing.
So naturally, I clicked on them, just to see what topics were discussed upon joining either one of the groups.
I came to the conclusion that the first one contradicted itself...
If you're complaining about, or even have the heart to say such a thing about someone else, its your own fault.
Also, I was reading the comments on the wall, and it consisted of random chicks accusing the group of being 'pointless' or 'unofficial' since a bunch of girls who deserve the title were joining the group. Rather hypocritical if you ask me.
The second group, "Swearing" basically had updates a couple times to day saying pointless swear words, or encouraging intellectual debates on whether or not the f word was the most amazing word in the whole world.
Really, guys? Has the humanity really sunk to that level?
Pretty pathetic.

Open. Your. Eyes.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I've only been on this earth for 14 short years. I may not know everything about love, and I'm not writing this to pretend I do, but if there's one thing I do know, its that love is definitely not hate.
It sounds silly, I know. Of course love isn't hate, but think about it.

Your walk talks louder than your talk talks.

Its an age old saying(I think), but its true. Love doesn't dwell in words, but in actions. Sure, you can use words to express those feelings, but its not what you say, but how you show it.

Its easy to say "I'd take a bullet for you." But would you actually do it?
Its easy to say "I'd do anything and everything for you." But how much of anything are you really willing to give?
Its easy to say "I'll never hurt you." But if you don't love with your whole being, actions, words, everything, hurt will be inevitable.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

They're just letters. 27 of them. 5 vowels. 22 consonants.
They're abstract. They mean nothing.

Love isn't jealousy. Love isn't mistrust. Love isn't selfish. Love is an antidote, not a poison. Love is caring, not neglect. Love is setting yourself free, not a prison.
Love isn't an intimate touch, or a style of clothing, or a hair color, or holding hands, or kissing in public places, or spending every second with one another.
Its so much more.

I heard a quote once, from a very special person. It went like this.

"No man/woman is worth your tears, and the only one who is, will never make you cry."

Whoever truly loves you with all their heart, would do everything in their power to prevent your tears. Of course, life has its ups and downs, and sadness is unavoidable at times. My point is: Whoever cares about you more than themselves, will put their selfish desires aside, and help you be the best you can be.

I could go on with this subject for hours, but I have homework calling my name.

I wrote this blog for a good friend. Now go read the title again.

Goodnight.

Its Exactly the Same... Except Different.

So I'm bored.

Ever since school I've been so busy with everything. Playing guitar, homework, being at church, hanging out with my friends. And now that I don't have to do anything, I don't know what to do! I'm always under some sort of stress, and don't get me wrong, it feels great to be rid of it, I'm just clueless as far as productive ideas go. What do normal people do in this situation? I know Alyse blogs. :P I just finished reading a few. So good!

Well its the end of the term... its gone by so fast... and I'm proud to say I have straight A's (I think..)
Pretty difficult. I've been incredibly spacey lately, and just lazy. School's lower on the priorety list nowadays, but not totally gone.
Next term I'll be more responsible and organized! Chyeah.

Volleyball ended too, which makes me sad. I used to look forward to practicing with my rad team on Thursdays. I don't think I've ever gotten along with my teammates as well as I did this year. Maybe it was a change in my attitude, or maybe we were all just crazy, therefore compatible.
The tournament was pretty awesome! Undefeated! :) Of course. Never lost a game. All. Season. Confidence booster! Hurrah!

On another note... it seems all my old friends are slowly slipping away from me. I haven't spoken to Hayleigh in months, since school started. She probably doesn't have time for me anyway. Oh wells. I hung out with Grant the other day... he's still awesome, but way different than he used to be. I miss my best friend. :( *sigh* There's really nothing I can do. I've already tried to keep contact with him, but he doesn't seem to want to.
Lets see... Xandra seems to be infatuated with Zakk. Enough said.
Hm. A lot of people are just going there separate ways now.
I kinda feel married. Like after High School, everyone goes in the direction they choose, and eventually get hitched. We're pretty much married to our schoolwork. Well most everyone. Me and Alyse are still 'married' to each other though. :P Oh! And Martin is still my best friend, which makes me happy! If not for him, I would be feeling bored more often.

Anyway... I'm just rambling now.
Have a good day folks.

A Light in the Darkness

Oh Lord I was lost, but now I'm found. Thank you.

For so long, I've been living life. Going through the motions, worshipping God, making decisions that are pleasing to Him, dodging temptation. For so long, I thought I was on the right path. I'm not. I'm so far from it. I wandered astray, lost in the dark, but tonight I was found.
Sure I was living a good, religious life.
But for what?

Self fulfillment.
To prove myself to others.
To have a purpose.
To play guitar.
And a lot more stupid selfish reasons.

I was just speaking the words, just listening with my ears, when I should have been speaking and listening with my heart. I was doing all the right stuff, but for the wrong reasons. I wanted to build myself up, when I should have been focusing on raising God up. So crazy.

These past weeks have made me think alot, about God, religion, worship, etc. Mainly tonight, and two Sundays ago.

When I was playing for Surge two weeks ago, Shawn asked me to play the solo on From the Inside Out. At the time I was completely stoked, I had self confidence and I knew I could do it. I went home and practiced, listening to the song over and over until I got it down nearly perfect. It was my first solo ever, and if you know my guitar playing skill, I'm terrible with a pick. I just barely started using one about 6 or so months ago. When I got to church on Sunday, my fingers wouldn't obey me, and I was as nervous as ever. Plus, someone made some comments that just made something snap inside of me... and I felt incompetent, horrible, inept, like I was dragging everyone down. I was literally on the verge of tears as I begged Shawn to let me bail out and not play the solo.
There was a few minutes until church started, and I sat on the couches, avoiding everyone, when Emily came over to me and started asking me what was wrong.
She started out saying that I would do great, and I'm one of the best guitarists at the church, then moved a little deeper. She said, I shouldn't care about what others thought about me, all that didn't matter. What matters, is what God thinks about you, and what's in your heart. Not perfection in your fingers. We're all imperfect people. She also brought up something Shawn had told all of us a while back. We can't make the people worship, our music is simply the doorway that we create for others to find God. I started bawling. The realization hit me so strong that I couldn't handle it. I had been so lost, I forgot what worship really meant. It had been dulled into a mere word consisting of seven letters. Something meaningless. It hurt, and I couldn't stop crying. Emily gave me a hug, and so did Earl the sound guy. I don't think anyone knew the real reason I was crying... God did though.
So I went on stage, and through my tears I said a quick prayer, and did the solo almost perfectly. It was all for God.

Tonight was pretty intense also. I was planning on skipping the Deeper service at church and just chilling with Martin, but now that I went, I can't even imagine not going. It was simply amazing, and I've never experienced anything like it before. It started with a few songs that Ben played acoustically, and the crowd sang, falling into the pattern of singing meaningless lyrics, and I admit, I did the same.
But when we crowded around the table in the corner of the room, listening to Baylor, writing our sins on a cloth, putting them in the container of water, watching it turn red, something changed. A level of seriousness and understanding was taken on in the crowd. He added bleach once all the 'sins' were taken out, and everyone watched as all the horrible things we had done were washed away. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a kid with his head in his hands, sobbing.
It was beautiful, in a morose sort of way.
Before my eyes, he was being forgiven... all the horrible things he had done, were being washed away by the most amazing being ever, Jesus. I was overwhelmed with an understanding.
Ben played a few more songs, this time, people were engaged in worship, with their hearts, souls, and minds. All around me people cried, head in hands, all for different reasons, but being united with God. The room was filled with a presence, and I began to cry. Eventually I hardly noticed the tears as they trickled down my face. Remembering all the horrible things I've done in my life, how imperfect and unworthy I was of this wonderful life. In a way, I was humbled.
I realized how lost I was, how trapped I was in my own sin... and that God is the only way any of us will find true peace, and happiness on this Earth and in all the heavens.
You and me, we've recieved the greatest gift of all. The gift of eternal life. If Jesus had never died on the cross that day, if he had caved into the devil's taunts just once, we would all be doomed to burn in Hell forever. The most unpleasant place. One of suffering and pain. Think about it, forever is a long time. It goes on and on and on... beyond human comprehension.
But we're not doomed to that, we're given the chance to live in happiness, love, peace, all those things us humans search blindly for within this lifetime. Always searching and trying to obtain them ourselves, when the only true way to get those things, is to surrender. And by surrendering yourself to Christ, you're set free from all those sins. All that guilt. All that blindness. Everything.

I shared this because I want to share the joy and comfort I feel from being at church and offering my life. Please think about this. Thank you for listening.
:)

Short and Sweet.

"Love the life you live, live the life you love." -Bob Marley.

Do it.

Time.

I once read a quote on a mirror. It was written in black expo marker.

Years teach us things that days cannot see.

Now like all quotes, it has a few different interpretations of the meaning... I'm pretty sure the original author intended it to be inspiring, but unfortunately, my view of life right now thinks otherwise.

Think back. Way back. Back when everything in your life was perfect. Back to a time when you wished everything would stay exactly the same forever. When nothing seemed frightening. When you lived in the moment every day, without a care in the world.

There comes a time in life when change has to occur. Time is always moving forward, pushing you along, whether you're ready or not. This is the fourth dimension folks.

People change. Drifting apart. Altering who they are. Making friends. Losing friends.
Nothing remains constant forever. Except time. And thats always changing.

Lately it seems like time finally caught up with everyone. Like all of the sudden we were all hit with a realization. Or maybe its just me.

All my friends, people I've known forever are drifting apart. They're all busying themselves with their own lives, and the people in it.

Its sad when you take a step back from it all and evaluate the problems in your life. Its odd how when you look at a long period of time, you can see all the small fractures where the problems began. Where exactly everything began to change.

Sometimes I wish I could travel back in time. I wish I could fix those cracks before the earth split.

Some quotes.

"Loving each other is the other half of wisdom." - Imam Ali

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will finally know peace." - Jimi Hendrix.

Loser.

"Real success isn't about winning every time, its about losing, and having the strength to get back on your feet and try again."

"A real loser is someone whos so afraid of not winning, they don't even try." - Little Miss Sunshine.

How Unimpressive.

So I've been thinking a lot recently about nearly everything. Its been such a long time since I've felt so inspired about thinking on such a deep scale. Its like taking a breath of fresh air. So good.
Anyway, something came to my attention earlier this morning concerning facebook. A particular person's status update... Now I won't mention any names but the girl's status said this "Dang. Got arrested again." and underneath it, she clarified that it was due to fighting again. Again.
I find it so weird/horrible to be only 13, almost 14 and already have a criminal record. I was talking to Xandra about it and eventually I started thinking about the way the girl had acted. She was a pretty awesome person and I'd hung out with her a few times during class, but every day she would come to school with another story about an obscene thing she did the night before. For instance:
"I got my phone taken away because I snuck this guy into my room at 3am and got caught making out."
or...
"At my old school I got suspended so many times for fighting with people."
She would say it with a smirk too, almost with an air of pride. Like all of her bad deeds were part of some twisted trophy collection that she put on display for the world to see. Bragging almost.
Why? Why do humans take pride in doing wrong?
In reality, its not that impressive. Its easy to do all that bad crap, to give into temptation and embrace the shallow nature of humanity. But now, doing something good for the world takes so much more effort. To always crave the selfish worldly desires, that taunt you every minutes of the day, and turn away... that takes skill, my friend.
If you absolutely have to brag, show the world how you can serve it, not the other way around. Its much more impressive.

"Be the change you want to see in the world." -Ghandi.

Goodnight.

So I was thinking about this in the shower the other day...

"How is it that one man whith almost nothing to offer can speak with the fire of 1000 nations? Armed with only a kind word and a smile upon his lips? Love can conquer any battle, defeat any army, overcome death. Use it wisely, my friend."

Written on 8.11.9 (to stay true to my daily blogging goal.)

The Naturaly Unsatisfiable Human.

I wrote this last night, in my little blue 10 cent notebook. enjoy.

Hey! Heres just a short prelude into my next blog because I've attempted several times to start abruptly, and to be honest, its not working out for me.
I decided that since I made such lame halfhearted New Year's resolutions, I'll make one now. Who says you can only better yourself at the beginning of the year?
I think I'll make a list, starting with one goal and add to it slowly day by day until they all become habitual. It might be hard, but I guess I enjoy a good challenge.
So here it is:
1.)Write one blog every day.
I may, or may not post them all, but I think its a smart idea since I find writing a personal journal somewhat awkward. They don't have to be long, I'll just use them as landmarks to document important events in my life. Time sure flies by quickly.

Anyway...
So I got a perm today. Pretty freaky, I must say, but I'm hoping it will calm down a bit once I wash it. I look like the unprepared replacement zombie straight out of some cheap 80's horror film.
In a way, I think we all as humans, have some sort of subconscious desire to make ourselves unhappy... The whole 'Grass is greener on the other side' deal, which I know I've blogged about before.
Before, I've always looked at curly haired people and wanted my hair to be just like theirs, all straight hair pretty bland in comparison. But now that I have what I want, I look at straight hair, like mine used to be, and wonder how I could have ever wanted otherwise.
Maybe we're all pre-programmed in life to always be unsatisfied with what we have, always desiring a little bit more.
Or maybe we just don't see the beauty in what we do have because we're so focused on the things just out of our reach. Once we've lost something, we notice the empty hole that it used to occupy. I think that's when we notice true beauty.
Our eyes are blind when they're on the prize. Why care about the prize when you're surrounded with the wonderful things you already have. (Now when I say prize, I mean all the selfish material wants and desires of us humans. There's times when its best to be focused and determined. The term in subjective really)
Anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Look around at what you have. There's someone in the world who would treasure the things we scarcely hold recognition for. For instance: A family, your hair, the oppurtunity to go to school and get an education. Enjoy life, live with love, and keep the priceless things close to your heart. Never forget their true value.

Goodnight everyone.

The Justification of Disobedience... Or Not.

Can a wrongdoing be justified?

I was once asked this question by a very wise man who taught me many things about life... and this question was accompanied by a story. He didn't tell many stories, but he told this one.

There was once a man worked very hard. He had a loving wife, a beautiful daughter, and a good job. One day, in the middle of the winter, when the snow fell from the sky and iced over the roads, his daughter fell very ill. Her fever shot up to the hundreds, and the man knew that if she didn't get care immediately, she was likely to lose her life. The power had long since gone out, and he couldn't call an ambulance, so he jumped in his car with his child, and drove as fast as he could to the nearest hospital. He swerved dangerously down the city streets, and ran stop signs. Luckily, he managed to avoid everyone in his path, and got to the hospital just before it was too late. They gave the daughter immediate care and she lived. But the man had broken so many laws that he was taken to jail, to serve a three year sentence.

The man. He raced to save a life. He broke the law, and accepted the punishment. Its all cause and effect.

Sure, he could have killed someone, driving so fast down the icy roads, but he didn't. He stood up for what he believed in; his daughters life. I guess it was only expected of him to serve his time in jail.

But was it fair?
Is doing something that you know is wrong to stand up for what you believe in worth it? Can you really justify your bad behavior by saying, you knew what you were doing would make a difference for the better in the end?

I thought I knew the answer at one point. But I guess I don't.

Laws are laws for a reason. They were made to be followed, not broken. They keep people safe.

My heart speaks probably louder than any other organ in my body. I find it hard to ignore, even when my mind is telling me no. I make stupid decisions, but I make them for a reason. I make a point not to break rules unless I have a really good justification for that act.

But is it worth it?

The man in the story sacrificed his freedom, his job, his life, in order to give life to another.

So, is it worth it to lose everything you worked so hard for, in order to follow your heart and do what is right?

You tell me.

Of Cattle and Disappointing Dreams.

Its an odd feeling.
When you realize, the grass probably is always going to be greener on the other side. Its like you're a cow or something. Grazing, dreaming of greener fields, when the one you are currently nibbling away at seems dry and sparse. When all of the sudden a runaway tractor swerves through your field, and takes a wrong turn, crashing into the fence that separates you between the cage you've been living in for so long, and paradice. The green glistening field, so delicious and plentiful. All you can do is drool while you meander to the other side. You eat, you play, your heart is filled with joy, so much so that you don't even notice the fence being reconstructed.
Then one day, it hits you. You glance to the other side, and the grass is greener than ever before, and you wonder what kind of lawn care product your previous farmer used. Its then you realize, it was always that green. Always lush and perfect. You were just too blind to see it. That looming emptiness in your heart finally reawakened to what it forgot for that brief period of time. So you climb over the fence, missing what you had, but remembering the beauty of everything on THIS side.
It happens to all of us at some point, maybe someday we'll hop enough fences to actually find what we want.

Wow, anyhow, all these thoughts are bouncing around my head, so excuse my random overdramatic bovine narrative. Haha.

But really.
Its an odd feeling. Like my life is just another page in some parable, or inspirational work of modern literature, just like those paperbacks you can buy in Costco for real cheap.
A few weeks ago, I obtained everything I ever could have wanted from life. Everything I dream about when I'm drifting to sleep at night. Everything I crave when I ponder life.
But when I finally got everything, I wasn't happy.
It was unfamiliar, uncomfortable, frightening. I suddenly yearned to step back in time, undo all this, have my former life back.
Thats when I realized, I had everything I wanted all along, I just never looked deep enough to see it.

As humans, I think we have some bizzare obstinate longing for the impossible. There's something about trying to reach the unreachable that's intriguing.

Or maybe its our constant search for happiness. Here we are, millions of lost folk (thank's alot thesaurus.com) perpetually trying to unearth the secret to happiness. Trying to distract ourselves with things of high monetary value, or material luxuries. We try changing our schedules, differing our common lives. Try and fail. Try and fail. Every time.

I could go on forever on this topic, but I'm getting sleepy and confused... alright, bye, for now. Have happy dreams, and try to find the beauty in what you have, you'll miss it one day.

Its Hard Not to Forgive with a Smile Like That.

Hey fellow bloggers...
What I'm about to write is a product of my accelerated heartbeat, so it may not make sense... to you at least. I'm just writing my delerious state of mind off, you know?

I discovered something about myself today. I'm slow to anger. Possibly too slow. I find it impossible to raise my temper at anyone, even if I have every right to do so. Even if that person has hurt me beyond repair. I'm a forgiver. It goes against all human nature, but somehow I do it. No matter what the misdemeanor you have against you, all you owe me is an apology, and I'll take you back with open arms.
The thing is though, I seem to be powerless against my willingness to forgive. No matter how long I prepared an angry, guilt-tripped speach, it just melts away. Maybe I just need acknowledgement that I've been hurt... I still have yet to meet the depths of my mind. I'm kind of excited.

How I Faced My Fears and Got My Heart Beaten Out By a Ninja with a Gardening Can and Cat Eye Sunglasses.

So I guess Ellie is a lot like me. Go figure. I suppose Alex is a lot like Brady. Whoop de doo.
Although most of you don't care, and are probably thinking 'Cosette should just go get a life and move on for goodness sakes.' Let me just rant for a few minutes (Xandra already heard this bit.) but for the most part this paragraph will leave out the overdramatic depressing thoughts and will potentially be amusing for you to read. It kind of reveals my creative side.

So Xandra and I were talking on the phone, me pacing around my house for about an hour and a half (equal to about 3-4 miles). I already knew I hated facebook but today it was really bugging me. Probably because I let my morbid curiousity get ahead of me and I found out that Brady is indeed in love with this chick named Ellie. I stopped right there and got off facebook and called Xandra. Story of my life.
Anyhow, me and Xandra were talking about the normal odd things, when she zoned out while staring out her window... I had way too much energy for awkward silences, so naturally I said the first thing that came to my mind. Which was basically wondering aloud about Ellie. It started with, I wonder if Ellie is anything like me, and progressed to 'I bet shes a sex goddess secret agent ninja from California where her dad lives.'
Thus, began the story of Ellie, the girl I don't know personally but has an alias life formed in the deepest layers of my mind... and Xandras.

Miss Ellie, was a small child who lived in California until her parents divorced and it was decided that she stay with her mom who moved to utah, where she married some random guy in Salt Lake. Soon after they moved to Park City, because the city was too crazy for them and they weren't too fond of gay people. When she was five her mom shipped her off to ninja school in Canada where she learned the basic survival skills when they threw her out into the wilderness with only an battery-operated blowdryer and some beef jerky with a family of rabid squirrels. Her great great grandpa used to live on an island in Hawaii where he developed an obsession with magical berries, which he ate for every meal, and soon was gifted with super ninja skills. So she had it running in her veins to begin with. She occassionally visited training camps as a child, and when she was 14 the FBI heard about her from word of mouth, and hired her to work for them. Over the next couple years she went on crazy missions in places such as Norway and Yugoslavia. Once that all quieted down and half-sane uncles weren't hijacking planes and causing a state of emergency in 27 various countries, she decided to live with her dad in San Francisco. By then she started noticing the strange excitment of doing slutty things with guys, and her style changed to miniskirts and serious cleavage. Every Wednesday after school she would walk to the ice cream shop and flirt with the 25 year old sprinkle sprinkler and then walk down to the beach and suntan in her skanky bathing suit. She was also a model for Cosmopolitan Magazine and liked to step out of sports cars in black stilettos while the wind ruffled her hair just right. Eventually she met a rich guy who had the perfect body. Nice toned legs, shaggy blonde hair, complete with a six pack. The sexy man bought her everything she wanted... a ferarri, a Harley Davidson Motorcycle (after that investment she started hanging with the biker crowd and went to hillbilly concerts where the bands signed her boobs). None of this bothered her man because he was playing her anyway and had already kissed just about every girl in school. One day they were making out when the FBI called and ordered her on a mission, which she couldn't say no to. Unfortunately she made a top secret potentially deadly mistake and failed her mission. The FBI required her to move back to Utah, a new house, and create a secret identity. They provided all the money to do all this because Obama heard about her story and decided to fund her with the extra money he doesn't have. She and her family moved to Holladay, and in the time she had left of the summer, she began to devise her new secret identity. The new Ellie was a bookworm, who visited the library on weekends to read about random subjects like kneisiology and alpacas, she secretly loved screamo music, hard rock, and heavy metal, dyed her hair brown, and liked charming, tall skinny guys with stunning smiles and witty haircuts. She decided her favorite color was navy blue and crimson red. She wore skinny jeans and tank tops with hoodies. She decided to take up sports and liked to surf in her imagination (because Utah is lame). As soon as she went to school she knew who her new personality had a crush on. He was the perfect guy according to her stereotyped description of what a real Utah loser would like. He was tall, smart, and liked to pretend he was a ninja, even though he wasn't, which amused her a lot. For the first half of the year she remained invisible, but after Christmas she started flirting with a million guys and got more attention, it was like her life in California but different. Her personality's crush had been taken for the greater half of the year, but as soon as he and his girl broke up she snagged him, when he was in the bounceback stages of his breakup. He fell madly in love with her, but on weekends when she visited her dad in san fransisco, she would always return to her rich pimp man.
The End.

Yep, I probably even left out a lot of what we made up too, but that was the basic idea of who we guessed Ellie was.
By the end of my pacing, the curiousity got the best of me and I decided to be a stalker for two minutes. I looked at her facebook, and although it was blocked for obvious security purposes, her profile picture was a little three year old blonde haired girl with a striking resemblance to me wearing red cat eye sunglasses watering some decorative house plants with a Fisher Price Gardening Can.
It was random.
It was pretty cool actually.
It made no sense.
It was so me.
I guess I wasn't shocked, the guys I like could probably be Brady from the back view, whatever.
I actually found a recent picture of her too, it was really small and pixelated, but she had the same hair color as me, about the same style with the addition of bangs that covered her whole forehead. She looked smart and blended in with a crowd. Go figure.

Well I just had to vent a bit, and share my freakish story. Thankyou for listening.

"I'm standing on the edge, battle in my head, I'm dying to know, dying to know." - Lose it - Atreyu.

Don't Let a Good Nights Fun Come To An Early End.

Hey everyone who reads my blog!
I'm in the mood to listen to the Virgins. They're pretty much the coolest thing since post it notes. Good dancing music, and you all know how I dance. :P

Yep, so I'm thinking I need a more optimistic view of life. For the longest time I've been dreading the bad, but not looking forward to all the wonderful experiences. Most of the time, even bad things have good results in the end. All of the bad times in my life, the times I thought I would never make it through, have made me into a better person today. Knowing that it all was for the better feels so good. It reminds me of my guitar lesson. Johnny (my guitar teacher) will constantly ask me whether my hand hurts or not (most of the time it does), and when I say yes he says "Good, that means you're getting stronger". Sure enough, the next time I practice, I'm so much better than I was before. I've found that that statement is true in most cases in life. Instead of dwelling on the negative part of the situation, know that good things will come of it, and in the end you'll feel so much better. Yes, sometimes its impossible not to feel overwhelmed by your sadness or whatever you may be feeling, but it helps just a fraction to think it will make you stronger. Sure there's things that I would change, or redo, the whole coulda shoulda woulda deal, but after everything, I don't think I would change a thing. Everything, good or bad, had an incredible impact on me, and I think I like myself how I am. Even though I know I've only been on this Earth fourteen short years and I can't possibly know all that much about the world, but I'm so excited about the years to come and all the experiences that will continue to build me into a better person.

Wow, that was a long paragraph, but we all love long blogs right? I know I do.

So, I decided I'm incredibly afraid of the future. I know I'm afraid of a ton of things and Grant is worried for my kids because I'll be such an overprotective mother, but this is something that scares me worse than dead animals, or than skydiving, or rollercoasters... this is real. I could probably avoid seeing dead animals, or going on rollercoasters because I could pass up anything that would put me in that situation, but the future.... it comes whether you want it to or not. Its the one constant in life. Time never slows, it never waits, it just flows. It never ends. In a way I guess thats comforting, but when unappealing things lurk in your future, you know its invetible. The best you can do is brace yourself for the unexpected and embrace it with open arms. Its what I've decided to do.
For the past week I've been sulking about next year, the future, everything. And today I was thinking. Sulking and dreading what is going to come anyway gets you nowhere, it just seems to prolong the loneliness or unpleasant feeling that comes with being sad. I'm done with being unhappy. Theres too much to enjoy in life to let one or two or three things bring it down.

So today, in Mr Bass's class, he told a story. It kind of inspired me. He told us about how he and his parents used to fight a ton over everything, and he hated it. It reminded me of my relationship with my parents a bit. Then one day, someone told him at church that the way to have more privileges and stuff is to obey your parents. This had already occured to me, but I never actually psycologically acknowleged it. It was a brilliant concept, I'll say. If you earn trust, life is easier. Love your neighbor as you would love yourself. Its the same concept. If I am a kind person, people will be kind to me. If I give a reason to be trusted, trust will come, along with all the benefits. So thats how I made it my goal to help others out, and obey my parents. Arguing sucks, and it feels so much better to have a happy conversation than to yell all the time.

Well I gotta hit the hay. Its going to be a long day tomorrow... YAY for Ihop! Not to mention I have to read Alyse's blog about Joseph before she deletes it.
See ya, and party.

If you're underground, everythings up.

Its true. Sort of... Except China.... and oriental people... and mass marketing. But thats not the point.
My point was that I've been burying myself lately, and I can't decide if thats a good thing. Well everythings up. I've been so completely busy lately.

So first of all, for some reason, I've become motivated to talk to people. Most likely because of Johnny's question "What if?" Its subconsciously has been gnawing the timid part of my brain away.
I think a lot of people need to ask themselves that question.
What if I was more outgoing?
What if I wasn't afraid of heights?
What if I actually spoke my feelings instead of just going with the popular vote?
Are some of the examples.
Seriously, whats the worst that could happen if you were more outgoing? Sure some people would hate you, but thats invetible, there are haters in the world, and youtube is valid proof of that.
and what if you spoke your feelings? Its pretty much the same thing. The worst that could happen is someone would disagree.
Fear, in a way is a hindrance, but in another way, a safety net. Personally, we should all build up the courage to face our fears, if not conquer them. Everyone is afraid of something, so its really nothing to be ashamed of, although some stereotypical men see it that way.
Some fears are logical and are meant to cause intimidation. For instance, its better to fear not wearing your seatbelt in a car, than to get in a car accident, fly through the windshield, proceed to roll down the freeway next to a deer carcass and then get eaten by flies. Like everything, theres a perfect balance between being limited by fear, and being limitless.

Anyhow, I rode a horse... for those of you that didn't hear me the first thousand times I said it. I guess it kind of made me excited. So last Saturday, I went over to the Jacobsen's house for a barbeque. They had like everything in the world. I chilled with Jonah and we jammed on guitar, and then drove small children around in an ATV, and nearly got killed by my brother's reckless driving. Jonah and I decided that it would take him at least ten tries to pass his drivers test. Oh and the horse, his name was Prince and I rode him down the street haha. Woot!

Oh another highlight! Kirsten got her Driver's Licence! I was so stoked. We went over to her house and decided to drive down to her farm to pet her goats, chickens, and rabbit. Then we drove around trying to find Alyse, and hung out with her for a while. It felt pretty awesome driving with one of my best friends in a giant escalade... it also amused me that shes only 4'9" and had to sit with her stomach an inch away from the steering wheel... hehe.

Holy smokes, its already Wednesday... and I haven't gotten a resting moment since... last week. I even have to randomly sleep in the car and during classes so I don't accidentally kill myself from exhaustion. As most of you know I was on TV today. Woo Woo! I feel kinda famous. Except for the fact that no one in their right mind would ever watch channel 102, or 6 or whatever it is... Its kind of like a 24/7 infomercial, but lacking the couch potato participation aspect of it. Oh wait, I believe there was a five minute segment on how to work out properly on giant inflatable balls...

...I rode a horse. hahah.
I love how Xandra is probably the only one who actually chuckled a little there. Inside jokes are great right?

Wow, today was crazy. When I got home from Park City, I was like... "I should write a song about how Bella feels in New Moon, and I should compose it on an old beat up guitar that hardly works." I don't even know why I got that random urge, but it seemed like a good at the time.
Then I faced a problem: Alyse's beat up guitar was horribly out of tune and the D string was irreparable. So, using just a drill, an eyehook(I think thats what it is) and a nut(also just a guess) to fix Alyse's beautiful guitar that is now known as Delaney Mae. Now, being fixed, she sounds brand new and beautiful. I'm pretty sure no one could ever guess that she was probably bought for five dollars at the DI.
I think I'm pretty proud of my handiwork... sadly, probably more proud than I am for making it on tv.
I guess that says something about my personality.

Sorry guys, I should stop, I'm a bit loopy from waking up at 4:30 this morning.
Just a few last words.
1.) My ceiling has a gaping hole in it that drips when it rains.
2.) Hit me if I never write a song about New Moon.
3.) I'm gonna go to the orthadontist tomorrow, and see about getting braces.
4.) Holy cow, I have a ton of homework that needs to be done in the next two days.

Thank you for reading my long, dull, pointless blog.
Night ya'll.

Mr Chips and Your Empty Hands.

So here I am.
My hands are searching for something thats long lost.
Oh what to do when someone hands you the world,
takes it away,
and then offers you a bag of chips.
Would you take it?
Should you?
Could you?
After having all you've ever wanted,
a simple bag of chips couldn't possibly sustain you for longer than a moment.
But is it worth it?
They're really just empty calories after all.
Delicious, exciting, but only until you blink.
Is lowering your expectations, if only for a second, worth it?
With something so wonderful lingering in your brain... could you do it?
Could I?
With just the thought of the world upon my fingertips leaving me aching?
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Perhaps its better than leaving my hands to grasp at the pale air.
Perhaps its better than sitting in a corner with nothing to my name.
Perhaps it would give me the illusion I need.
But then again.
Its just a bag of chips.

The Tragic Ballad of Sir Facebook

Ugh, you caught me in the middle of a mental breakdown.
Just deleted my facebook.
Sometimes things are better left unknown.
Odd how a few words on a glowing computer screen can tear you apart.
Technology should have been left unimproved at record players and cassette tapes.
Ouch, its hard to function when your mind is spinning in circles.
Its hard to hold on when the wind is blowing you away into the starless night sky.
Its true.
I'm holding onto something I should have left in the dust long ago.
And as soon as it was about to slip from my grasp,
I reeled it back in... close to me.
I should have known I would end up hurt.
But, nonetheless I make the same mistakes over and over again, regardless of the consequences.
My morbid curiousity gets the best of me.
So thats why I deleted my facebook.
If you want to talk, hit me up (call me)

You know it means trouble when you start feeling with the dumber half of your brain.

I just decided that whenever I have to do an insanely large school project, I always seem to get distracted and end up writing a blog to clear my mind, and/or clean my room. Strangely, I enjoy cleaning my room, it kind of gives me a sense of accomplishment. Plus it gives me a reason to listen to music and not feel lazy.
Anyhow... I was making a sandwich about a half hour ago and thinking, when I remembered the weirdest thing.
I was thinking about Alyse's blog, and the conversation me and Xandra had earlier. They were both kind of about sex, and how the modern world is overlooking its importance. TV and movies are kind of portraying that sex is just a form of entertainment, that everyone does it, and having sex with strangers is perfectly normal. I think its weird, personally. Making love, the phrase actually means something. It means what it says. You should reserve it for someone you truly love with all your heart. Like Nicholas Sparks says, Why would you throw away a piece of yourself, the most sacred form of love, for a few moments of pleasure?
Now, as I was making my sandwich, I remembered this one time at the beginning of 8th grade... I was standing around, waiting for my mom to pick me up after school, when one of my tenth grade friends ran up to me and a couple of my friends, glowing. The first thing she said was "Guess what!?! I lost my virginity on Friday!"
It scared me quite frankly. And also the fact that she seemed to be proud of it left me feeling slightly disturbed too.
"Who was it?"
"I don't know, some Zack kid."
"Really? Why?"
"I just decided that he was gonna be my first."
If thats your reasoning behind sleeping with someone, you need to grow up before you even think about doing something like that. But that isn't the end of the story. Then one of my other friends who was in ninth grade was like,
"Oh, I lost my virginity a few weeks ago!"
I was shocked by their nonchalant attitude toward it. I guess it just got me thinking... I couldn't imagine doing that, at the beginning of ninth grade. Losing my virginity at age 14 doesn't exactly seem like ideal lifestyle for me at least. To put myself in that situation seemed impossible, and I hope it will stay that way.

Anyhow, I should really be getting to work on that project... enough of my lame tired outlook on life. Goodnight readers.

A picture's worth a thousand words.

So a few months ago I found a huge file of random old family pictures on my computer, and I always kept it in mind because I love looking at pictures. Today I decided to look at them, and... theres something about them that made me want to blog, so here it goes.


I love this... I'm not sure who the people are, or even how they're related to me, but I love how this makes life look so simple... and also those little girls dresses. More girls should wear dresses again, its kind of nice in an old fashioned sort of way.



I actually know who these people are, I think they're my great grandparents. You might ask why I'm putting this picture up. My answer to that would be "I love how my great grandpa looks like he's the luckiest man alive, even though they're both clearly about 90 years old and wrinkly."
This kind of reminds me of earlier today when me and Grant were talking about our dream lovers. I would definitely add that to the list of awesome attributes: someone who will love me forever, no matter how unattractive I grow to be. I want to grow old with someone, with undying love... it might falter, but I hope I can marry someone who will supply that endless happiness. Thats why I admire old couples.



I just put this up because I thought it was hilarious that people actually used to pose like that. Dressed in a stuffy, important-looking suit... with a pipe sticking from his mouth. Silly man. Also the jaguar leaping onto his butt kinda made me laugh too.



I don't know why I liked this one so much. The crazy girl in minishorts chasing after the baby is my mom. Haha. I guess it reminded me of Juno in a way. My mom is like "RAWR" and plus I like the way her hair looks, I should bring that back in style... No seriously, I think I will.



So this one isn't too old... Its just of me coming home on the first day of Kindergarten. It trips me out that I can't remember that... it was only nine years ago, which isn't so long. It frightens me how fast time passes sometimes. All these memories are recorded from pictures, but no longer exist in my mind...



Hmm... this is the reason I love old pictures... in almost every single professional one, the person in it is beautiful. The little girl's face is almost like a porcelain doll.



Haha this is another one of my mom. Shes the one falling into the pool. This picture made me wonder who she used to be... what my mom is really like.


Anyway, so thats the last of the pictures I'm gonna share.
I was talking to Alyse about old pictures yesterday, and I think I discovered why I like looking at them so much.
Its true, pictures are worth a thousand words... correction: They're worth every memory, every thought, every experience. Theres only so much you can read with your eyes. Theres so much more to a picture than just the expression on the persons face, the pose they're in, the scenery behind them. Every picture tells a story, and I find myself wondering what the characters were like. What they thought, how people saw them, their personality...

Anyway, its late, I gotta sleep. Night everyone. sleep tight.

End Credits: Epic Fail.

Hm... lets see... what to write.
Over the past hour or so... a strange pain has been echoing through my heart, and I seem to be helpless to stop it. So I'm here, doing the only thing I know how, blog. I desperately want to talk to someone, to pour my heart out to them... actually one person in particular, but once again thats something I can't control. Besides, control is subjective anyway.

For a while, I forgot what it was like to enjoy life, knowing that something wonderful was lying in the close future. I'm not saying that I simply have nothing whatsoever to look forward to, just that it seems indistinct and hidden at the moment. I know that something lurks in the future... hopefully that something is good. For a few days, I remembered what it was like to know that at the end of the day, happiness awaited me. Theres some amount of comfort in reassurance. The future, the unknown, is something humans seem to fear. Although it can make life interesting... sometimes I wish the future was as predictable as the ending of movies.
Speaking of movies... too bad life isn't like them. At the end, just before the credits roll, everything falls into place, and the problems are replaced with new opportunities for the characters. True love is found. Friendships mended. The mysteries of life suddenly less mysterious. Then... the screen goes black, and those typed names scroll down the screen. Its that simple. Right when everything is perfect, it ends. Forevermore, there are no issues, those two hours are frozen, and until your dvd player breaks or your little brother steps on the cd, you can relive it as many times as you like. Unfortunately life isn't like a movie. Time goes on, leaving those perfect moments behind, and leaving you breathless. There are no credits with quirky music in the backround, no definite ending.
Sometimes memories can be like movies though. Some memories are so strong, they are forever imprinted in your mind to live over and over again. But there comes a time, when you have to stop living in the past, and welcome the future with open arms.
Too bad I'm not ready for that.
I thought I was...
But I crashed and burned.
Now as I type this, I feel broken. Hopefully time will tape this throbbing heart back together, and I'll tentatively stretch my arms out, embracing the future with an uncertain courage. Maybe then, I will move on.


But maybe not.

Dangerous Mother? nah.

So... if this thing has a time/date when posted thing, you'll see that its ridiculously early (for me) so excuse the possible spelling mistakes/incomplete thoughts. Last night/this morning... I came upon a really weird observation that has to do with my brother.

Okay, last night as I was going to bed I started watching the Notebook on my ipod (hence the tiredness) when I saw a light out in the hallway. Considering I was supposed to be asleep and not watching good quality American movies on my Ipod, I turned it off and slipped it under my pillow. When my door opened, I fully expected it to be my mom, the only person paranoid enough to wake up at 2 in the morning to make sure I'm not randomly smoking pot under some bridge in the middle of Alpine. If you ask me, sneaking out or anything under that category, whether its drugs or not, is completely lame. So I don't understand while she still questions my morals. Anyway, when the door opened, it was my little brother.
A few things you should know about my brother, he's pretty mature in thought for his age, but is pretty immature when it comes to scary movies and stuff. He can be really sensitive and cried during a walk to remember and little miss sunshine... possibly across the universe too. With all these slightly strange attributes for a 11 year old boy, he sleepwalks.
Over the years I had become used to it. Ever since he was about six or so he had sleptwalked, and myself, owning the room next to him was usually responsible for putting him back to bed. Usually he just babbles on about some purple wolf hiding beneath the windowsill in his room, and I, proceed to tease him and ask him really odd questions for a few minutes, just so I can tell him a semi-hilarious story in the morning when he doesn't remember anything. Most of the time, he would climb back into bed and fall asleep within seconds.
So, last night, he was walking around and our conversation went pretty much like this.
"Hey, Cole, what are you doing?"
"I... I.... Why can't I remember?"
"You can remember in the morning, go to sleep."
"But... why can't I remember?"
"You're tired, go sleep."
"I think... it had something to do with.... I think.... a tree."
"Oh really.... what was IN the tree?"
"What the heck Cosette, you're so weird... nothing was in the tree."
"Are you sure? Not even a monkey or something?" (I was tired okay?)
"No, nothing was in the tree. You don't think I know what I'm doing but I do."
(Some explanation for this: a year or so ago, his subconscious mind got used to the fact that every time he did something ridiculous in his sleep, we would tell him he's sleepwalking. So whenever I say something remotely taunting he always says hes awake and knows what he's doing... which he doesn't)
"Okay... well go to sleep."
"But there was something else."
"You'll remember in the morning."
"No."
"Go to sleep."

Then he actually listened to me. I returned to my room and started watching the Notebook again. Right when I started crying, I saw the light in the hall illuminate my room again. Sighing, I put my Ipod back under my pillow and went to investigate. Cole was still standing in the hallway with his arms folded.
"Cole go back to bed."
"But.... but... its scary." He pointed at our 1000 dollar vacuum cleaner.
"The vacuum?" I laughed.
"No."
"Go to sleep theres nothing there."
"Yes there is. I don't want to. I'm scared. Its scary."
There was something in his voice that was alarmed, and I could tell he was sincerely freaked out by this imaginary monster, or whatever it was. I gave him a big hug, and told him that if he went to sleep all the bad things would go away. It was only then that I could tell he was shaking. His whole body was shaking uncontrollably and he started crying. It scared me, to be honest. I've heard about those certain nightmares that sleepwalkers occassionally have, night terrors I think they're called, when one can't move because they're so tortured by their dreams...
I didn't know what to do, so I told him to get mom or dad.
"They'll think I'm crazy."
"No they won't, mom and dad would never think you're crazy. They understand."
"No they will."
.... and so on. I felt bad for him. I kept giving him hugs so he would stop shaking from fear momentarily. He refused to go upstairs, so I sent him to bed.
For a while I just held his hand and sat on his bed, trying to comfort him to the point where he could fall asleep. I kept telling him that I would be there for him right next door if he ever needed anything, and he would be safe, that I wouldn't let anything happen to him. Finally he went to sleep.

I went back in my room to finish watching the Notebook, but I kept watching for the light to turn on again. I was worried about him and I couldn't focus on the storyline. So I turned off my Ipod, and laid thinking in the dark of my room.

This morning, when I woke up about an hour ago to go feed Emma's dog cheese...(eeyah, long story) I was in the bathroom, brushing my hair so I didn't look completely terrifying if anyone saw me, when my brother walked in and gave me a huge hug. He only said two words, "Thank you."
I was surprised he remembered anything at all, but it made me smile. In a way I was glad he remembered though. I'm glad he could see I cared about him, even though I don't show it a lot of the time.

In a way, I love my brother like a mother loves her own child, although I'm sure its different. Giving birth to someone creates some strong ties. But, my point is, I worry about him, and I want to keep him safe. I want him to have a wonderful life and never get hurt. Sometimes, I find myself being overprotective for him, and I realize a fraction of what my mom goes through. When you love someone, its hard to let them go. It scares me to see Cole grow up and lose his innocent, kind nature. I really fear for him going into middle school. I don't want him to be taunted by all those stupid kids that haven't a clue about life and its value. It kind of reminds me of the movie Little Miss Sunshine, when Dwane tries to stop his little sister Olive from entering the talent show because he's afraid that she'll get hurt by the way those creepy model chicks will judge her. I love that movie. I can actually relate to the characters...

So anyway.. that was my blog for today, I'm off to sleep again. I love you all.
-Cosette.

Memories: still in progress.

Okay, this is going to be a short blog because, for one, I'm doing really well at writing today (reference my 6/6 on myaccess essay), and I'm using this blog as my temporary journal until I can scrounge(is that a word?) up enough money to buy one.

Today, I hung out with Grant, which was possibly one of the most amazing things I've done in a while. The other day I was reading Alyse's blog, and realized how much I missed Grant... A little part of my heart felt as if it was missing, and I had never noticed it before. I started thinking about all our epic adventures, like when we almost set his house on fire with just a spray can of axe and a lighter, or when we rode to the Peppermint Place in the rain to buy a ton of gummy worms so we could effectively enjoy I Am Legend, but never ended up doing it because of general conference... My life is so boring, and I've just noticed that I do practically the same thing every day, and even when my schedule varies from the norm, I still do the same things, in the same places, at the same times. The only time I actually have memory making experiences is with my friends. I never realized how much I miss hanging out with people and just chilling. Most of the time I sit around doing homework, talking to the occasional person on facebook, eating various tv dinners, and sleeping. I've become a stereotypical college student.
Over the past few months, aka when I was dating Brady, I thought he was all I needed in life, and slowly, I began to lose my friends, one by one. The worst part is that I didn't even notice. I grew apart from all these amazing people who I saw as 'extras'. Really the only people I stayed friends with were Alyse, Xandra, and church people. Now, I'm just barely rediscovering all the fun I had when I didn't depend so much on love to fuel my happiness. In a way, this is a good experience for me, as is everything. You can't live without learning from your mistakes... if you never learned, you would probably be dead by the age of two.
So... anyhow, back to hanging out with Grant. It was nice. We laughed about stupid stuff and I decided that I like being able to be my complete self around him... When we had nothing to say, we just sat, and thought. It wasn't awkward, just... nice. Like Nicholas Sparks likes to comment in all of his books, inexperienced people think they have to fill the silence with meaningless words, but smart people know that theres something beautiful about the quiet sounds of life.

From this point on, I'm going to try to make my life memorable, although I know life changing experiences don't come around often. I'm deciding to find myself, do something with my life, start earning money to prepare for the future, and work hard to keep the relationships I have.

Well I'm off, who knows if I'll sleep tonight due to the insane amount of caffine Grant and I had earlier from the Ruby Red Squirts :]

Night. Love you all.

The Hope Vacuum.

Hey there again! I hope you noticed the change in my blog background... it was getting a bit repetive and dull, so I found the coolest picture of sliced fruit and set it as the background. Pretty sweet. Unless lemons and limes aren't fruit... hmm... Also, notice the change in title, Unrequited Love didn't seem to fit anymore, and I'll explain that later. All I Have To Do is Dream is one of the most amazing songs ever created. Its by the Everly Brothers. Look it up.
So anyway, I haven't blogged in a while and I feel this strange obligation to do so. I might just ramble on and on, or I might get to a point. You'll just have to read and see. I'm exhausted and about to fall asleep on top of my keyboard, so bear with me if the words get jumbled into something like.ah;udgpihyesiufaijdg;ldskf;dsaj. Not to mention the grammatical errors.

Ah, where to begin... theres so much to write about today.

So, first of all, I discovered something peculiar about myself. I was sitting in the car thinking, and I realized that I react to harsh comments and/or cruelty (thats not the right word...) in an uncommon way. If someone says something negative about me, or if someone hurts me, I don't want revenge, I don't feel it right to punish them in the same way they punished me. I simply strive to do better, and prove them wrong. For instance, if someone comments on how I swear a ton (which is completely untrue) I try my best to prove to them that their image of me is seriously tweaked. True story believe it or not. Also, I get some sort of strange motivation from negative comments about me. I seem to move toward my invisible goal when it actually exists... if that makes sense.

I've been in a really good mood lately, mostly because of the conversation between Brady and I on Tuesday. For the longest time I've wanted to just talk to him about everything, and sort this out, everything between us seems kind of unfinished. I never wanted to grow apart from him, and become just another forgotten, distant chapter in his life, but it happened nonetheless. It had been almost two months since we'd had an actual conversation that consisted of more than "Hey how are you?" "Good. You?" "I'm okay." "oh."
Basically he told me something along the lines of, he still likes me, despite everything and wants to be friends. Plus an apology. And it was one heck of an apology let me tell you that. It nearly made me melt with that warm fuzzy happiness... but that wasn't the end of the conversation.
There was one more thing he needed to tell me. It was simple, and I didn't think anything of it at first. He wasn't going to come to South Mountain Church anymore. Then, as I sat, embraced with the bubbly happiness a horrible realization hit me. Any hope that I had felt when he told me about his feelings, drained away as quickly as it had come, leaving me empty and pained inside. My heart felt as if some man comparable in strength to Chuck Norris has grabbed it and squeezed it like a stress ball.
The only time I ever saw Brady was at church. If he didn't come to church, nothing could work, not even in the future. Before, the thought that maybe everything would work out when I was in high school, and Brady had a car, kept me trudging forward on the pathway of life, but now... it seems like I've lost all hope for the future. Of course that's being a tad bit dramatic, but it still hurts... alot.

Love sucks.

Well, I would write more, but I'm about to pass out, and I'm afraid that if I continued writing, my words would completely pass possible human comprehension and confuse the living crap out of people.
Goodnight. I love you all.

Brilliance, at its best.

Alyse said my brilliance needed to be heard, so here it is, in the seemingly insignificant form of an internet blog. It kinda started when I finished reading the Notebook by Nicholas Sparks. That man is a genius, no joke. A lot of geniuses are underestimated these days, not really given credit for the incredibly wise things they say. Society seems to think that geniuses and heros have to do something memorable and remarkable, change the world, you know? but really, touching a single person's life is remarkable enough. Its kind of a chain reaction.
Anyways, I'm rambling. Lets get to the point.
Alyse and I were talking on Messenger earlier today, and we just started venting feelings, talking about problems, observations etc. The norm. The difference today was that I was in a very profound mood, and all the random thoughts that float about inside my head started to surface. Usually, I think about life, I observe, then I expand on them, its really rare that all these gathering thoughts actually get written down. I keep track of them in my head nonetheless.
One more thing before I post the conversation. True friends are great people to surround yourself with. Find people you can tell every detail of your life to and not be embarassed, people who understand you, etc. And I assure you, you will be beautifully rewarded.
Also, forgive the horrible formatting issue at the end... my brain kind of failed after being emptied of all that knowledge... forgive the horrible in text citations. Mrs. Hatch is to blame for that.





*A l l e r i a* says:
heyy
Cosette. says:
hey! you be back
*A l l e r i a* says:
yep!
Cosette. says:
yay!
Cosette. says:
What are you doing?
*A l l e r i a* says:
blasting music. thinking way too hard.
Cosette. says:
about what?
*A l l e r i a* says:
My life.
*A l l e r i a* says:
i miss hanging out with you, xandra, grant. I hardly hang out with people at all.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Im always home
*A l l e r i a* says:
but once or twice a week when I get to see nessa and jorden.
*A l l e r i a* says:
I miss people.
Cosette. says:
yeah... and then you think, "what am I doing? I only live once, surely these won't be the memorable days that I'll think of some day far off in the future. I need to get out and live my life. Make memories."
Cosette. says:
I've thought about this too.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Yeah. Exactly that.
Cosette. says:
I also miss hanging out with you.
Cosette. says:
I always think that I should make my life memorable somehow, and in the words of paramore 'live like its the last day you'll ever see' but... its hard. Life changing experiences don't come around too often
*A l l e r i a* says:
they come unexpectedly.
*A l l e r i a* says:
but you have to be doing something to bring them about. sitting in our rooms all the time wont bring anything.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Im being boring. Im afraid. Im afraid I will become too boring for Jorden. I should give myself a life.
Cosette. says:
You probably will never be too boring for Jorden. I'm sure just being with you is exciting enough for him. He feels as much about you as you do about him.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Yesterday when I was with him, we went to the park by the AF library and sat on the bench there. I couldnt say anything, I had nothing to talk about, I had no conversation starters or ideas of things to talk about. He brought up some stuff, but I want to do things and live so I can have stuff to talk about, not just sit there.
Cosette. says:
Like Grant
*A l l e r i a* says:
I've come to realize just how much he does care.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Its an odd thing.
Cosette. says:
about you?
*A l l e r i a* says:
Yeah.
Cosette. says:
well yes. thats what love is right?
*A l l e r i a* says:
And we need to hang with grant. I miss him terribly.
Cosette. says:
me too, I was thinking about that and I was about to text him when I remembered his phone broke.
Cosette. says:
oh well... I can always walk down the street when I'm not deathly ill.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Its sad though...me and jorden, our relationship is changing. not a bad thing, its just another thing. But still. We used to be joined at the hip while hanging out, he would always hug me and hold me and even do things absentmindedly, but as of recently he just hasn't. Like, he responds when I put my arms around him, but its different. Its not like he loves me any less, he is just going to stop
*A l l e r i a* says:
showing me so much, which is alright, i have no problem with this, i will just miss the constant attention. I decided I normally dont seek attention, but with him, I do want it.
Cosette. says:
Hmm... yeah. I understand... I'm not exactly sure why this happens. It seems like people get kinda burned out after awhile, like they still love each other, it just fades a little. Like marriage.
Cosette. says:
Its nice.
Cosette. says:
to feel loved i mean
Cosette. says:
I just finished reading the notebook and I'm all deep and contemplative about life haha. But, I decided that I want to marry a guy like Noah, one that will love me, and constantly remind himself of how much he really does, because I know I'll do the same. That way, I think loving someone forever can actually work. Maybe.
*A l l e r i a* says:
I want to marry a guy who will love me, and show it every once in a while, and never forget that he does. And I'll do the same. Maybe then it could last forever. Maybe.


Cosette. says:
Ah... I want a noah.
*A l l e r i a* says:
I'm not sure what I have. Besides someone who I want with me in my future, but I am willing to step back and let him make his own if needs be. Cause I know a lot of things can happen. And even though my stomach knots up and my eyes burn when I think about not being with him, reality is, anything can happen. Certainly anything on a negative scale as well.
Cosette. says:
Yeah. Even if it is horrible, everything happens for a reason, and I know a wonderful person like you will end up happy. Just make wise decisions.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Funny thing is, we can only make what we think now are wise decisions. its in the future, however near or far, when we find out just how wise those decisions really were.
Cosette. says:
Very true.
Cosette. says:
We can only guess at the future, and make decisions, depending on what we think is wise. Theres really no way to know for sure, so do the best you can in the moment.
*A l l e r i a* says:
That's what I've resolved, and been doing. Living in the moment, trying to be smart for the future by using knowledge from past decisions and experiences, things I've seen all taking their part in this.
Cosette. says:
Yeah. Its wierd. When people give advice they say stuff like (quote Carli's brother's band) "Don't look at the future, don't look at the past, look at now and make it last." Or something along those lines, but truth is, we have to remember the past, keep the future in mind, and live in the now. Its all mind boggling if you think about it.
*A l l e r i a* says:
without a doubt, definitely a boggling of the mind is in order.
*A l l e r i a* says:
But its true.
Cosette. says:
Yeah. Theres all these lessons to be learned in life, too many to keep in mind all at once, but we can only remember them, and apply the ones that pertain to our situations.
Cosette. says:
Hmm.
*A l l e r i a* says:
I like that analogy. It's very true.
Cosette. says:
what analogy?
*A l l e r i a* says:
What you just said. That theres all these lessons to be learned in life, too many to keep in mind all at once, but we can only remember them, and apply the ones that pertain to our situations.
Cosette. says:
yeah... that.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Yeeh.
*A l l e r i a* says:
*sigh*
Cosette. says:
yeah...
Cosette. says:
wow. That was a deep conversation.
Cosette. says:
Haha I'm occasionally shocked by my brilliance.
*A l l e r i a* says:
Lol. We are truely brilliant people I decided.
*A l l e r i a* says:
We know our stuff.
*A l l e r i a* says:
and we know we have so so much more to learn.
Cosette. says:
yeah. The world is filled with endless knowledge.
Cosette. says:
How exciting.

*A l l e r i a*
how...limitless.
Cosette:
haha let us take this moment to marvel at the sheer power of knowledge

Alyse:
wow...its kinda scary too. i decided im scared of a lot of things. I could brave life, im emotionally ready to be able to move out and everything if I was of age and money, but im afraid of what life is going to throw at me.

Cosette:
Yeah. Me too
I think its pretty weird how alot of people think of fear as weakness, and its the same with sadness, if you're afraid or sad, you're not living life right... at least thats what I've found some people think. But in reality, its impossible not to be afraid. Its impossible not to be sad. Truth is, we're all human. and only the people who truly know how to live life, will take those things and use them to their advantage

Alyse:
Im quoting you in my blog

Cosette:
haha thanks

Alyse:
Cosette. what you just said, thats going in there
that is so profound

Cosette:
yeah... I think... a lot

Alyse:
Cosette. Yeah, wow

Cosette:
... I think of these random things, I evaluate people and life, and then I expand on them, its not really often that I tell them to people.
Alyse:
Cosette. you should write them in a blog. the world will hear.



... and I cut out a little, because it made me look mentally challenged, but other than that theres the conversation.

Night everyone. Be inspired.

The Wide World of Music.

I haven't written a blog in a while, although I've been meaning to for the last week or so. I should apologize for my previous, depressive, explosive blog. I was in the middle of writing a blog when my mom randomly started yelling at me (as always) *sigh*. Its not a very pleasant thing.
You should note that I changed my blog name, to Unrequited Love. Yep, thats what my life has become. A game of cat and mouse, yet I'm helpless to stop it. How pathetic.

Anyhow, I just watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and I have to say it was one of the most confusing movies I had ever watched. I loved the music, but personally, I think the storyline and characters need a little work. Their emotions were on the border of reality and eccentricity. I found that I couldn't really relate to them. Norah seemed too eager to please, and kind of... dumb. The storyline, was pretty good, although they could have done so much more with it. Like, they have some unknown connection that has something to do with music that draws you in. Perhaps, he could have put one of his mixes in his CD player while they were driving, and then she starts singing along with a track that he, himself wrote. Hm... that would give things a twist.
Oh well, enough negative critisism. I think, overall, I liked it. Especially the music. It inspired me.

After watching it, I started thinking a lot about music.

Music, is simply amazing. Every song is worth a thousand words (yes I did just take an age old saying and alter it so it makes an infinite amount of sense.) Even the words that aren't sang in songs can say so much more than words can. Every syllable has a story behind it, a million stories, if you think about it. Theres zillions of different ways you could string words, chords, instruments, etc together, but only one makes a particular song matter. Music is endless. Its kind of like people, you know? Everyone is unique, and no matter how many humans live or have lived, theres never going to be an exact duplicate.
I also decided that indie music is pretty much amazing. Indie music takes lyrics to a new level. My mom always laughs at it when we listen to my Indie Mix that I made a few months ago. She says the words make no sense. I say she's not enlightened. Shes still blind and untrained to the world of music.
You see, those words make so much sense, that they don't. Each word is like the earth. Theres millions of different layers to them, it just depends on how deep you dig. I can think of the words to a song for hours, and never quite grasp the complete meaning. Good songs do that. They make you obviously think.

I tried to write a song today. Well, half of a song. I wrote a piano solo thing, and then a guitar part to match. I gave up.
Then I started thinking.
There's really no way to mess up on creativity.
For the longest time, I was stuck on the fact that I was going to be no good at writing songs. I strive to be perfect. But perfection is a subjective thing. Its just an illusion that us humans create for ourselves. Every person has a different perception of perfect. Its something imaginary, something that can never be reached. Everything is imperfect (except probably Jesus), Art is just the only thing that actually captured that thought, and let it bloom.
Some of the most beautiful things aren't perfect. So why try? After all, perfection is overrated and doesn't exist.
So, for that reason, there's no way to screw up art.
My goal is to write a song, inspiring or not. Hey, its a start.

On another note, my mom just bought the movie Twilight, and I'm dying to watch it. But, I can't.
Every time I look at the cover, the only thing I see is Brady. If couples ever had movies, like couples have songs, Twilight was our movie. I saw Twilight three times in theaters, twice with Brady. It just seemed to fit us. We would always make analogies tied to it. I loved it. He's one of the only guys I've met that actually appreciated the greatness of Twilight, no strings attached. He didn't love it because becoming a Twilight fan would make him an instant chick magnet. He didn't love it to mock the classic man stereotype that society created. Nothing like that at all.

Well, I should probably end this and hit the hay. The glowing 19" computer screen is making my sickly eyes spin.

To end this blog, here's my most recent playlist packed full of awesome indie bands I discovered today. There's a lot of songs from Nick and Norah's infinite playlist on there. Good stuff.

I HATE LIFE

Theres nothing like feeling like crying, only to have someone blame you for all their problems and life, yell at you, and threaten to hit you.

Wishes.

I wish that life didn't suck.

I wish humans weren't self centered.

I wish homework was easy.

I wish I could be happy.

I wish I lived closer to my friends.

I wish I could have a nice cold coke right now.

I wish sharpies didn't bleed.

I wish Atreyu didn't remind me of Brady.

I wish I could live by myself... and drive.

I wish whoever invented the saying "look out for #1" would have been dropped out of a two story building as a child and had become mentally handicapped.

I wish dreams could be real.

I wish unicorns existed.

I wish it was possible to fly as high as you want on a teeter todder without falling over.

I wish people would stop taking life so seriously and just smile.

I wish the more people could experience the joy of owning a cardigan sweater.

I wish I knew.

I wish I could tell people how I really feel.

I wish I was motivated.

I wish Brady wasn't on my mind all the time.

I wish we didn't have to hurt others to survive in this world.

I wish I didn't have a miniature heart attack every time I see Cade in art class.

I wish hurt wasn't invetible.

I wish the jewish star wasn't on the bottom of my vans.

I wish life made sense.

I wish symphony bars were only 50 cents.

I wish our government didn't run on money.

I wish I could fly.

I wish Kurt Cobain wasn't afraid of commitment.

I wish he hadn't died so young.

I wish lava lamps were still in fashion.

I wish I could see Tegan and Sara in concert again.

I wish most pencil sharpeners actually worked.

I wish I wasn't afraid to sing.

I wish I wasn't confused.

I wish the news was happy.

I wish Utahns didn't think that Obama is bringing about the end of the world.

I wish skinny jeans fit me.

I wish I could freely express my views to my parents without being yelled at.

I wish I could feel welcome in my own house.

I wish my life didn't resemble Coldplay's 'The Scientist'

I wish Beat Radio was a signed band.

I wish craft stores sold plain t-shirts that didn't feel like boxes.

I wish I could keep plants alive.

I wish that when I look in the mirror, I could see myself as others see me.

I wish humans made sense.

I wish Cade and I were still friends.

I wish I still recieved a text every morning that says "Hello Dearest."

I wish the good old days weren't in the past.

I wish my bed was a hammock.

I wish I could draw realistically.

I wish Alyse still lived down the street.

I wish my heart wasn't broken.

I wish I always told the truth.

I wish I could be good enough.

I wish vending machines would take 5's.

I wish Cole had good friends.

I wish it was possible for two people to love each other forever.

I wish there was a word that rhymed with purple.

I wish I knew myself.

I wish Emily and I could take pole dancing lessons.

I wish Paco the water walking llama existed.

I wish I didn't always have to hide my feelings.

I wish "I love you" would be taken more seriously.

I wish I had a tattoo of a mustache on my finger.

I wish homeless people had houses.

I wish drugs didn't exist.

I wish unicorns actually ate spaghetti and shot it out of their horn.

I wish everyone would wish each other "happy hump day" every Wednesday.

I wish I could still listen to the Twilight album and feel an incredible peaceful happiness.

I wish all kitchen utinsels had pictures on them.

I wish I was photogenic.

I wish more people thought like Mr Bass.

I wish Oakeson liked me.

I wish I didn't blush every time Bentley Rawle looks at me.

I wish there were less expensive vintage stores.

I wish I didn't live on a hill.

I wish the NES was still popular.

I wish most of these blogs weren't about Brady.

I wish more Americans knew how to punctuate.

I wish I was lucky.

I wish I wasn't always the broken one.

I wish I still knew still knew people I went to preschool with.

I wish Rob Sheffield's wife hadn't died.

I wish me and Nessa were still as close as we were.

I wish my neighbors window shutters matched their house.

I wish I didn't let so many people down.

I wish life always seemed worth living.

I wish The Notebook was real.

I wish I was more athletic.

I wish I could see an Arizona sunset with my own eyes.

I wish I could cook.

I wish Hayleigh had a purple lawn chair to match mine.

I wish I was a better friend.

I wish worms had wings.

I wish animals would look both ways before crossing the road.

I wish I paid attention in church more.

I wish I understood football.

I wish I had a stack of old National Geographic magazines.

I wish more frantic women would write novels about the sorting of socks.

I wish my broken heart didn't physically hurt.

I wish rumors didn't exist.

I wish Utah wasn't overdue for an earthquake.

I wish I could write songs.

I wish I could inspire the world.

I wish more people could know God like I know Him.

I wish I could wear PJ's in public.

I wish I could still kiss the wall and know Brady was doing the same to his pillow.

I wish the Utah air didn't suck.

I wish more girl singers made quality music.

I wish people didn't make life so dramatic.

I wish I lived in the 60's.

I wish I could live in a house where everyone had a positive influence on each other.

I wish I could have Brady back.

I wish flowers grew in the winter.

I wish I didn't argue with my parents.

I wish I would read the Bible more.

I wish there was no war.

I wish my alarm clock wasn't so annoying.

I wish it was possible to be myself around everyone.

I wish the school food tasted good.

I wish I was taller.

I wish I could have kissed Brady again.

I wish I could communicate better.

I wish it wasn't too late.

I wish I lived closer to the library.

I wish my closet at Hayleighs house was the biggest.

I wish life wasn't a race.

I wish Dylan hadn't moved.

I wish I had a relationship like Kayla and Cody.

I wish peace was more than a mental state.

I wish I would have told Brady exactly how I felt.

I wish my teeth were straight.

The Trials of Love vs. The Unblemished Heart

Light and dark. Yin and Yang. Good and evil. Not one could exist without the other, despite the extremeness (pretend thats a word) of their differences. I've come to notice that most things in life, can be narrowed down to either one extremity or another. When we make decision in life, its like we come to a fork in the road. One route leading one way, the other leading the total opposite.
But what must we do when we come to that fork in the road, and neither side presents everything we want? We have to pick and choose depending on our morals and personality.
Love is particularly like that. It seems to me, there are only two choices, with no exceptions. You can either love, experience the thrill and happiness of a lifetime, but also feel the unbearable pain of heartbreak. Or you can never love, and save yourself from the sea of hurt that comes with it, the happiness you feel never going deeper than the surface, yet flying contentedly through life. What to choose, what to choose?
On one hand, you have love, on the other safety. Its impossible to love safely, in the road of life there are no shortcuts. In order to give your heart to another, to give your all to another being, implies vulnerability. To witness the wholeness of true love, I really believe that you have to give it your all, and wear your heart on your sleeve, if you hide it away, how will they find it?
Love is to explore the unexplored.
Love is to be spontaneous and hopeful.
Love is to be unashamed.
Love is to be trusting, unminding of the consequences.
Love is to be truthful.
Love is fearlessness toward the unknown.
Amongst all these great things, lurks a truth unpleasant and unappealing.
Pain.
No matter what, no matter how many precautions you take, to love is to hurt. And with every time you give your heart away, it will undoubtedly break. As Alyse says, we are never completely whole, as we travel along in life, we leave bits and pieces of ourselves in others. People will be wreckless, unknowing of the fragile nature of the human heart, or simply blind to it. They will throw it on the ground, step on it, and laugh in your face. They will rip it apart and steal all your duct tape. They'll throw it in a fire and package the ashes into playground sand, so millions of little kids can stomp all over it.
There comes a time in life, when one must gather up the pieces with tears in their eyes, and sew it back together. Although once broken, it can never be whole, the best we can do is to watch it wheeze, throb, bleed, pulse, and beat again. Sometimes, it seems easier to save ourselves from all this trouble, to just give up love, and to hide in our metaphorical boxes (...or real boxes if you happen to be homeless.) Sometimes it seems easier to keep our hearts and protect them from the burdens of the world. All in all, its your decision.
I will now quote Brady, because 1) it applies to this blog. 2) he has brilliant theories about everything. and 3) I just love him.

"Love is a curious thing, but if you think about it, most love starts from curiosity."

Now, I'm not exactly sure what he intended this to mean, most of his theories were beyond my comprehension, but I know what I beleive it to mean.
Love is unknown territory for most of us at one point in life, our motivation is curiosity. There's always been something mysteriously intriguing about love, something that is almost magical. The curious idea, that some sort of endless happiness exists seems almost unreal. So we unleash our feelings, in order to experience this passionate joy. With love comes irrational feelings; unusual bursts of happiness, extreme depression, anxiety, complete selflessness, fear, stress, uncontrollable adoration, pride, heartache. Some are extraordinary, while others are frightening.

Maybe, just maybe love is worth it. Maybe a moment of unforgettable happiness, can make up for a lifetime of pain. Maybe, a life without love really is one without meaning. Maybe this dull ache in my heart, means something much much more.

... maybe, just maybe.

Can you say shallower than a kiddie pool?

Hey there all my fellow blog readers. Its been under 24 hours since my last blog... but I have something to write about thats been on my mind all day, not to mention all week. Hopefully, I haven't fallen into the 'addicted blogger/computer nerd' category yet... and if I have, who cares! I am a computer nerd!

Anyway... So lately I've been really moody, and to be quite honest, its a first for me, usually I'm a chill person that doesn't complain and just jokes around. But I've been surprising myself this week. Its scary actually. It might possibly have something to do with Brady breaking up with me but... maybe I'm just becoming a dramatic loser. Today, I actually yelled at Tanner Raimer, I felt horrible doing it, but hes one of those people who needs a good beating every so often. Now, I have never EVER yelled at one of my friends before, although I wouldn't classify Tanner as a 'friend', hes more of an annoying person who follows me around and eats lunch in the corner with all of my REAL friends. So in English class, Tanner was talking to Brady Winward about how it was hilarious that he pulled down Alyse's backpack strap and she fell over on the floor. Alyse was telling me yesterday about how Tanner wouldn't leave her alone and how he was really bugging her. I didn't really think anything of it, until he started laughing like a young gorilla at what he did. Normally, I would have just brushed it off and ignored him but, today something just snapped. The conversation went kind of like this:

"Hehehe, yesterday I yanked down alyse's backpack strap and she totally fell on her butt, it was hilarious, hehehehehe."

"Hey, shut up."

"What?"

"Shut up, Tanner. Alyse doesn't like it when you bug her. So stop it. She had her laptop in her backpack, and you could have broken it. Never touch her again."

"... her backpack never hit the floor."

Luckily, he didn't bother me after that, my voice was pretty fierce haha. I don't really know why I did it. Maybe I was tired of people being rude to my friends and trash talking them, or maybe it was because Tanner had been getting on my nerves for quite a while, and my patience had run out.
Then, at lunch, I made another bold move. It was just like any other day; Me, Alyse, Grant, Greyson, Tyler, Brady, and Tanner sitting in the "Kool Kids Korner" but since I was already a bit pissed off at Tanner from the harsh voice incident, I really wasn't in the mood to sit with them. As I was eating my mashed potatoes and gravy, they were sitting in a circle making sex jokes and swearing. I never really liked sitting there, ever since Tanner, Brady and Tyler randomly invited themselves to sit with us. No joke, every other word was a swear word, and I can't stand it when people use swear words to either offend people, or make themselves 'cooler' which makes no sense because swearing is like one of the lamest things EVER. They don't even know how to swear right. Their conversations were like, "Hey, Joe was being a asshole to me, I'm gonna go kick his ass." What the heck?!? Can you say shallower than a kiddie pool? I'm thinking they're as shallow as a little puddle in the gutter right after it has just rained for like 15 minutes, one with worm corpses in it. Ew.
But anyway, I always dread lunch time because I know they'll come sit with us, and make it miserable for me and Alyse. So, today, I snapped again. I got up with Grant, and walked away, thus playing penny hockey upstairs.

I've been thinking about it a lot, and decided that I'm sick of them. I know its mean, and I tried my hardest for about 3 or 4 months to be nice to them and be their friend, but you can only take so much. You know what I mean?
I'm sick of eating lunch with people that live to annoy the heck out of me. I'm sick of taking trash talk from people; my parents, aquaintances, etc. about my friends. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me. I'm sick of never speaking my mind about things. I'm sick of Brady tackling me every time he sees me. I'm sick of people trying to pull me into their drama. I'm sick of life.
I need a break.
I need a huge long vacation with people that I know would never hurt me, and understand how I feel about everything.
Too bad thats impossible.

I'm going to stop rambling about my pointless dramatic problems. I've just been feeling breakable lately. My perception of myself has faded, and I'm trying my best to find me again. I know I'm not a drama queen who makes every small problem a huge issue, or someone who quickly loses their temper over dumb things. Hopefully blogging has cleared my mind of everything, and maybe I'll be able to sort my life out. Just bear with me here.

Heres a few last songs.

Over and out,
Cosette.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com